Sick As A Dog

So I’m actually dying inside.
I was vomiting all morning at work (so uncomfortable).
I had to lay down on the floor in my bosses office (I’m supposed to be sitting at the front desk, helping customers).
I had to get another employee to come in for me.
I got home and went straight to bed, I took medication to ease my stomach and then closed my eyes.
I woke up a few hours later, but stayed in bed until I relieved the employee who took part of my work shift.
I wasn’t as nauseous, but still felt like shit.
I was at work until midnight, and didn’t do anything because my body started to ache and my skin hurts to touch… All signs I’m getting the flu.
I’m in bed again, wishing someone could rub my back.

I hope your day was better than mine.
Good night. Xx

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SYTYCD

I really need someone’s love and affection.
I’m dying inside, slowly but surely.
It’s very painful.

I don’t want to rely heavily on sleeping pills anymore, but I’ve been taking them to get some sleep.
I’ve got work at 6:30am tomorrow, I’ll need a few winks to keep me going at that hour of the morning.

Went to the SYTYCD show tonight, it was amazing.

Pills are kicking in, talk tomorrow.
Good night.

Please Make It Stop

My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.

My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.

The Other Woman

I’m working on a little something. I’m hoping it ultimately helps me in some manner when I’ve completed it. It’s taking way more energy and time than I thought.

I’ve got tomorrow off, so I’m hoping to clean my room out tomorrow. A friend asked me to take her work shift tomorrow morning and I usually always cover unless I physically cannot. I wasn’t supposed to work last week at all and I ended up working every day. I need some time to sleep and work on my self. I do feel guilty, but I guess I’ll have to get over it.

I watched The Other Woman tonight. It was hilarious. I highly recommend it!

I’m exhausted. Talk soon.

HELP: Guy Problems

Hey guys. Sorry about being M.I.A. the last few days.
I’ve been talking to my “boyfriend” “the Janitor” “Eric”. All these people are the same person. Sorry I keep calling him something different. We’ve been trying to deal with what’s going on between us, but it has been hard. Especially when he doesn’t make it a first priority. He did however come over last night, we were supposed to talk, but we haven’t seen each other in a while so we enjoyed each others company instead. We started The Walking Dead where we left off. We got all cuddled up and watched zombies eat some brains. He had a cold so I propped him up on some pillows to breathe better. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was happy, but I had a lot of noise going on beside me and my mind was racing. Bad nightmares, sweating, awake every hour.
This morning I woke up early for work but even earlier to make us breakfast. Not only did it take him forever to wake up, I tickled his feet, massaged his back, kissed his face and body, ran my hands through his hair. Nothing. So I yelled at him to wake up. (I may have over exaggerated on the yelling bit). Then he comes upstairs to me making breakfast and he doesn’t want it. Fuck sakes. So I took both breakfasts with me to work, I refuse to eat his just because. He picked up and went outside for a smoke while I’m still cleaning up and grabbing my work things.
I finally went to sit with him and he said he wished we had talked last night then he attempted to say a few things, but didn’t really say anything. We were both in a bad mood and I had to get on my way to work. No hug, no kiss, nothing. Just a talk to you later. Jesus Christ, this kid. I swear to God. If I get charged for murder, you all know why.
I just want us to be happy, is that too hard to ask? I’ve been trying, why can’t he see that? What can I do to make this easier? Seriously though, any advice would be grand. I really like this guy and this is very frustrating and upsetting.
I don’t think he noticed my newly dyed hair or my repierced naval… Unless he just didn’t say anything.

Anyway, back to work… doing nothing.

Talk soon.

Not Doable

This morning came early, that’s for damn sure!
I am not a morning person.
7:00AM is NOT doable, I repeat, NOT DOABLE.
Bleh… just dragging my ass at work.

My OK Day

Today’s Accomplishments:
– Stopped by work to pick up my notes
– Picked up my table from mom’s, put it in the back of the truck and moved it to my room at my aunt’s, as well as the rest of my clothes and belongings
– Put my room together at my aunt’s
– Got a huge garbage bag and filled it with clothes to give away
– FINALLY shaved my legs and brushed my hair
– Went to work
– Cleaned my bedsheets

I think I did well for myself today.

I have to work early tomorrow morning. I hope to finish what needs to get done tomorrow evening.

I’ve been waiting for a while for my boyfriend to text me back. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I texted him. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again asking how many years you get after murdering someone. Send it. Response right after. I asked him to come over. Never replied. I got one text. ONE FUCKING TEXT. I’m so sick of this shit.
I finally just told him exactly what is going on.
” You frustrate me. Did you know that?
What does it take to get your boyfriend to take interest in you? To make an effort to want to see you? To want to talk to you and see how you are?
I don’t think I’m setting any high expectations.This is some pretty basic shit here.”
Obviously no response. But tomorrow… I swear to God. If he doesn’t answer me…. It’s fucking over.
Is this what our relationship is going to be like? Me constantly waiting for him. Him fitting me in once a week for a few hours when he isn’t busy. Fuck you buddy, but I don’t deserve that!
I don’t understand him at all.
My friends I go to about this problem all say to ditch him. But I’ve been holding out. I’ve been trying for him. But I can’t do this forever. And he has yet to catch on. Maybe it’s not worth all this. I want to think it is, but maybe it just isn’t.
I thought about something earlier… If he were to break up with me right now, I honestly think my reaction wouldn’t change. Everytime he says goodbye after seeing me in person my heart drops and I go back to that sad place. Probably because I know it’ll be forever until I see him or speak to him again. Which is fucking ridiculous!

My back is killing me right now. I’m attempting to stretch it out but no miracles here.

I’ve been thinking about going in for another round of therapy, I’m not sure. I kind of want a new therapist but not, at the same time.
A lot of anxiety is coming back and staying present, I don’t like it one bit.

I’ve got a few books on the go right now, but the one I was reading today is called #16thingsithoughtweretrue by Janet Gurtler. I’m a little less than half way, but totally sucked in. It’s a great quick read, if anyone is looking for something along those lines.

Good night little devils.
I pray for no nightmares, but who am I kidding.