It’s been too long. I’m disappointed in myself for many reasons.
I was doing more or less alright. I’ve had many ups and downs. But right now, I can feel my depression creep back in. It’s extremely unsettling. I want to vomit, and cry, and scream, and run away.
I want to cut. But I can’t. I have to stop upsetting the people around me.
I might have a panic attack, if I don’t stay on top of keeping calm. I feel like the world is crumbling in around me. I’m scared. Afraid. Terrified.
I’m itching to cut right now.
And it’s fucking rough.
My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?
Fuck you, fuck everyone.
My friend told me to fake it until I make it. In other words, continue to tell myself I’m strong and deserve better and that I’m not at fault. I can’t do this? I’m just lying to myself, I know the truth. How do you believe lies?
I mind fucked myself and started crying. I grabbed my teddy bear and snuggled with him to hopefully make me feel better.
Now, I’m having these sick thoughts, that are out of my control. They started when I was analyzing my recent self harm scars. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why do I think this way? My mind is so fucked. If I lived in the US and in a country that served the death sentence with death, that’s where I’d be.
These thoughts are that ridiculous. And my brain is saying that I could probably get the nerve to do it if I flipped that switch where I go kind of crazy and hysterical.
Not too mention, I’m still depressed as fuck and contemplating self harm again, after already ripping my self apart last night.
I’m dying inside right now.
I’ve had a hand full of anxiety attacks this evening. I’m pretty sure it’s about time for another. I need immediate pain killers. Getting high, taking too many sleeping pills, taking all my Zanax pills and cutting.
He said he’s done.
My mind has imploded. My emotions have more than exceeded their capacity. I’ve gone insane; literally insane. The tears, the screaming, the yelling, the punching, the rage, the pain, the shakes, the chills, the hot flashes, the fast heart beat, the hyperventilating, the numbing and paralyzation of my body, the feeling of unreality, the feeling of having no control, the need to escape right this second.
I’ve already thought on how I would try this time. It’s mapped out with no care for the consequences.
I need help… NOW
Today had been an okay day until my boyfriend thing texted me asking me a question. Instead of answering him, I said let’s get together tonight to talk. He said he couldn’t. I asked why, no response.
My anxiety is so high right now that I want to cut, I think I will too. I need to escape and drain out how I’m feeling. I feel like it’ll consume me.
My heartburn is getting worse. I get it for no reason now. I used to only get it when I had tomato products.
The right side of my right breast is really quite sore. It’s on and off, but been like this for years. Tomorrow I’m calling to see my Doctor. My mom and grandma and I have a history of tumors, both banine and cancerous. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Oops, I totally crashed last night after a mini panic attack. Then I hustled around today trying to get a last minute ride to work. It ended up being my boyfriend who made himself late for work to drive me. I guess that means something…