Please Make It Stop

My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.

My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.


Define Cheating

It is 1:36 in the morning. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. My bed is comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. I feel like I can go run a marathon. I’ve got a lot of energy… I think. I’m not 100% sure what I’m feeling sometimes. My minds racing with ideas, emotions, thoughts, and conversations.

I wish I had him right now. My “boyfriend” I mean. I use that term lightly because who the fuck knows who he really is.
Yeah… We’re still there.
I want to cuddle with him. I want to feel loved and cared for right now. I want his shoulder to cry on and his ears for support. I want to see him smile and I want to hear his laugh. I want to smell that faint aroma of cigarettes and marijuana. I want to run my fingers through his hair… All his hair.
I wish he would take the time for me.

I talked a little to him today. I asked if he knew why previous girls cheated on him. He said he didn’t know. I’m curious what he thinks the reason is. I want to see if it matches up to my reasons.
Not that I’ve cheated… Or maybe I have? I don’t consider it cheating. He’s like a one night boyfriend. I never see him or talk to him. And when it does happen, it’s on my request. So fuck him…
I’m not going to tell him. It doesn’t matter. When I know we are together, I commit to him. Then when he ignores me and I get mad and he still never responds. He can fuck a cow. I do my own thing. I don’t consider that cheating. If he wants this (pointing to self) he needs to learn how to keep it.
What do you think?

*deep breath*

Phew… Sorry. I haven’t been able to talk to him in person about how I’ve been feeling. The wound is still fresh.

I still have the most screwed up dreams/nightmares. I can’t remember the last somewhat pleasant dream I had. They are all always horrible. The stress from the day depicts the content, the length, the recurrence, etc.

I’m not working any days this week, unless I cover a shift. I’m finding it hard to stay busy and distracted during the day, and it’s only Monday. Having time to think is very dangerous. I had long and frequent moments today where I was stuck inside my head. The more this happens the more depressed and anxiety ridden I get. Then I want to cut or drink or smoke. Or go on a texting rampage to get out how I feel (to the wrong people). I act on impulse and do things I may regret. These little moments of getting stuck in my head are not good for me and my mental health. I try to stay away but you know as soon as you start telling yourself not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.

Good night.

My OK Day

Today’s Accomplishments:
– Stopped by work to pick up my notes
– Picked up my table from mom’s, put it in the back of the truck and moved it to my room at my aunt’s, as well as the rest of my clothes and belongings
– Put my room together at my aunt’s
– Got a huge garbage bag and filled it with clothes to give away
– FINALLY shaved my legs and brushed my hair
– Went to work
– Cleaned my bedsheets

I think I did well for myself today.

I have to work early tomorrow morning. I hope to finish what needs to get done tomorrow evening.

I’ve been waiting for a while for my boyfriend to text me back. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I texted him. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again asking how many years you get after murdering someone. Send it. Response right after. I asked him to come over. Never replied. I got one text. ONE FUCKING TEXT. I’m so sick of this shit.
I finally just told him exactly what is going on.
” You frustrate me. Did you know that?
What does it take to get your boyfriend to take interest in you? To make an effort to want to see you? To want to talk to you and see how you are?
I don’t think I’m setting any high expectations.This is some pretty basic shit here.”
Obviously no response. But tomorrow… I swear to God. If he doesn’t answer me…. It’s fucking over.
Is this what our relationship is going to be like? Me constantly waiting for him. Him fitting me in once a week for a few hours when he isn’t busy. Fuck you buddy, but I don’t deserve that!
I don’t understand him at all.
My friends I go to about this problem all say to ditch him. But I’ve been holding out. I’ve been trying for him. But I can’t do this forever. And he has yet to catch on. Maybe it’s not worth all this. I want to think it is, but maybe it just isn’t.
I thought about something earlier… If he were to break up with me right now, I honestly think my reaction wouldn’t change. Everytime he says goodbye after seeing me in person my heart drops and I go back to that sad place. Probably because I know it’ll be forever until I see him or speak to him again. Which is fucking ridiculous!

My back is killing me right now. I’m attempting to stretch it out but no miracles here.

I’ve been thinking about going in for another round of therapy, I’m not sure. I kind of want a new therapist but not, at the same time.
A lot of anxiety is coming back and staying present, I don’t like it one bit.

I’ve got a few books on the go right now, but the one I was reading today is called #16thingsithoughtweretrue by Janet Gurtler. I’m a little less than half way, but totally sucked in. It’s a great quick read, if anyone is looking for something along those lines.

Good night little devils.
I pray for no nightmares, but who am I kidding.

My Disturbing Nightly Nightmares

I had another night full of disturbing nightmares. They usually happen every night, I’m lucky when I wake up and don’t remember them.

The nightmare that still haunts me today was when my boyfriend broke my heart and left me and then all my exes tormented me. I was in so much pain it actually woke me up. I had been crying without knowing it and I was sweating like crazy (in a freezing cold room).

Also, earlier in the night. I can’t remember what was going on exactly but someone was physically hurting me. It woke me up because my body actually goes through the pain. It’s usually my sides. I wake up and they are sore and almost cramping in a way. It’s hard to explain because I don’t even know what’s going on.
This dream happens a lot.

How do you start your day on a good note?

Talk later.