Please Make It Stop

My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.

My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.


Define Cheating

It is 1:36 in the morning. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. My bed is comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. I feel like I can go run a marathon. I’ve got a lot of energy… I think. I’m not 100% sure what I’m feeling sometimes. My minds racing with ideas, emotions, thoughts, and conversations.

I wish I had him right now. My “boyfriend” I mean. I use that term lightly because who the fuck knows who he really is.
Yeah… We’re still there.
I want to cuddle with him. I want to feel loved and cared for right now. I want his shoulder to cry on and his ears for support. I want to see him smile and I want to hear his laugh. I want to smell that faint aroma of cigarettes and marijuana. I want to run my fingers through his hair… All his hair.
I wish he would take the time for me.

I talked a little to him today. I asked if he knew why previous girls cheated on him. He said he didn’t know. I’m curious what he thinks the reason is. I want to see if it matches up to my reasons.
Not that I’ve cheated… Or maybe I have? I don’t consider it cheating. He’s like a one night boyfriend. I never see him or talk to him. And when it does happen, it’s on my request. So fuck him…
I’m not going to tell him. It doesn’t matter. When I know we are together, I commit to him. Then when he ignores me and I get mad and he still never responds. He can fuck a cow. I do my own thing. I don’t consider that cheating. If he wants this (pointing to self) he needs to learn how to keep it.
What do you think?

*deep breath*

Phew… Sorry. I haven’t been able to talk to him in person about how I’ve been feeling. The wound is still fresh.

I still have the most screwed up dreams/nightmares. I can’t remember the last somewhat pleasant dream I had. They are all always horrible. The stress from the day depicts the content, the length, the recurrence, etc.

I’m not working any days this week, unless I cover a shift. I’m finding it hard to stay busy and distracted during the day, and it’s only Monday. Having time to think is very dangerous. I had long and frequent moments today where I was stuck inside my head. The more this happens the more depressed and anxiety ridden I get. Then I want to cut or drink or smoke. Or go on a texting rampage to get out how I feel (to the wrong people). I act on impulse and do things I may regret. These little moments of getting stuck in my head are not good for me and my mental health. I try to stay away but you know as soon as you start telling yourself not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.

Good night.