Love is a difficult emotion.


Partner Needed

I’m still sick as a dog.
I’ve managed a little bit of food today around 9pm.
Watched the Walking Dead, I cannot wait until next week’s episode!
I got out of my work shift, thankfully.
I lied in my bed, on the couch, and on the floor all day today.
I asked my mom to come over and make me some chicken noodle soup, and she did just that.
My hot and cold flashes are ridiculous.
My body aches, my head pounds, my skin hurts. I need a damn back rub.
I wish I had someone to take care of me.



I really need someone’s love and affection.
I’m dying inside, slowly but surely.
It’s very painful.

I don’t want to rely heavily on sleeping pills anymore, but I’ve been taking them to get some sleep.
I’ve got work at 6:30am tomorrow, I’ll need a few winks to keep me going at that hour of the morning.

Went to the SYTYCD show tonight, it was amazing.

Pills are kicking in, talk tomorrow.
Good night.

Define Cheating

It is 1:36 in the morning. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. My bed is comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. I feel like I can go run a marathon. I’ve got a lot of energy… I think. I’m not 100% sure what I’m feeling sometimes. My minds racing with ideas, emotions, thoughts, and conversations.

I wish I had him right now. My “boyfriend” I mean. I use that term lightly because who the fuck knows who he really is.
Yeah… We’re still there.
I want to cuddle with him. I want to feel loved and cared for right now. I want his shoulder to cry on and his ears for support. I want to see him smile and I want to hear his laugh. I want to smell that faint aroma of cigarettes and marijuana. I want to run my fingers through his hair… All his hair.
I wish he would take the time for me.

I talked a little to him today. I asked if he knew why previous girls cheated on him. He said he didn’t know. I’m curious what he thinks the reason is. I want to see if it matches up to my reasons.
Not that I’ve cheated… Or maybe I have? I don’t consider it cheating. He’s like a one night boyfriend. I never see him or talk to him. And when it does happen, it’s on my request. So fuck him…
I’m not going to tell him. It doesn’t matter. When I know we are together, I commit to him. Then when he ignores me and I get mad and he still never responds. He can fuck a cow. I do my own thing. I don’t consider that cheating. If he wants this (pointing to self) he needs to learn how to keep it.
What do you think?

*deep breath*

Phew… Sorry. I haven’t been able to talk to him in person about how I’ve been feeling. The wound is still fresh.

I still have the most screwed up dreams/nightmares. I can’t remember the last somewhat pleasant dream I had. They are all always horrible. The stress from the day depicts the content, the length, the recurrence, etc.

I’m not working any days this week, unless I cover a shift. I’m finding it hard to stay busy and distracted during the day, and it’s only Monday. Having time to think is very dangerous. I had long and frequent moments today where I was stuck inside my head. The more this happens the more depressed and anxiety ridden I get. Then I want to cut or drink or smoke. Or go on a texting rampage to get out how I feel (to the wrong people). I act on impulse and do things I may regret. These little moments of getting stuck in my head are not good for me and my mental health. I try to stay away but you know as soon as you start telling yourself not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.

Good night.

I Want You To Love Me


I want you to love me the way I loved you. I want the chance to feel what you felt, even if it’s just for a moment.

– R.L.


How do you tell him you just want to feel his hand in yours?
How do you tell him your feelings for him were born from the depths of your passion?
How do you tell him you don’t feel wanted?
How do you tell him you always want him?
How do you tell him you suffer from severe depression?
How do you tell him he helps?

Goth Phase

Very spontaneous decision after work today.. Died my hair black.
I really like the outcome.


I can’t wait to curl it.

I also painted my nails black and through on some heavy eyeliner to complete the look.

I went to my buddies place for a few hours to talk. I needed to get out of my head. I was able to stay afloat for that time with him.
Unfortunately now that I’m back at home… I’m not feeling very well again.