Feeling the Grey

How I feel: incredibly ridiculous and dumbfounded.

I watched a movie this evening… A movie I read the book of.
I’m never pleased with books made into movies. Maybe it’s because I’m a reader and love books, but the movie adaptions are always horrible.

I’m left with this icky feeling that is not pleasing. I must have certain triggers that I’m not fully aware of.
My mood was more or less fine all day. It’s been this way for a couple of weeks. Now all of a sudden, I’ve been rushed back to this god awful state of bewilderment and unease and pain.

I don’t understand why all these horrific thoughts are coming back and running through my mind. Why now? What made them return?

Xx

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No Motivation

I wish I had a work space here. I wish I was on a regular sleep schedule. I wish I would stop procrastinating everything in my life. I continue to wish tomorrow will be better; it has yet to come.

Xx

Wtf

It’s been too long. I’m disappointed in myself for many reasons.

I was doing more or less alright. I’ve had many ups and downs. But right now, I can feel my depression creep back in. It’s extremely unsettling. I want to vomit, and cry, and scream, and run away.
I want to cut. But I can’t. I have to stop upsetting the people around me.

I might have a panic attack, if I don’t stay on top of keeping calm. I feel like the world is crumbling in around me. I’m scared. Afraid. Terrified.

X

Itching

I’m itching to cut right now.
And it’s fucking rough.

Xx

I Don’t Always Find A Song I Like…

I have been crazy sick the last little bit.
I got the flu for about a week and it took me a while to start feeling better. I had to take off all my work shifts. I was incredibly weak. Just walking up a flight of stairs took my breath away, it was insane.
After getting over the peak of my sickness I slowly started going back to work and eating again. Although I got stronger, my nausea went away, and my appetite came back; I didn’t feel 100%. I had a sore throat and felt like I was catching a cold immediately after getting over the flu. Unfortunately it was not the case. My sore throat kept getting worse and worse. I finally had enough, nothing was helping and I knew it wasn’t a cold.
I had had strep throat once before, and although the pain was similar I knew it wasn’t that. I did a google self diagnosis. I figured I had tonsillitis. I got to the doctors immediately and I was right. I got tonsillitis because of my¬†flu bacterial infection.
Now the past few days my throat feels like I swallowed razor blades. I couldn’t eat or drink anything. Just opening my mouth to speak or swallow my own spit hurt like hell. My tonsils were incredibly swollen. I rocked a double chin for those few days.
I am now thankfully on medication to get rid of the infection and numb my throat from the intense pain.

Needless to say, I am very sick and tired of immune system. I don’t want to feel like death anymore! I better not get sick this Winter or else shit will hit the fan!

In this sick phase I also went through another depressive episode, which just made everything worse. I’m doing better now.

On a lighter note, a friend just told me about this band [Our Last Night] and I’ve been listening to them all night. They give me goosebumps. They will be on replay for the next two weeks, for sure.

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Talk soon. xx

Partner Needed

I’m still sick as a dog.
I’ve managed a little bit of food today around 9pm.
Watched the Walking Dead, I cannot wait until next week’s episode!
I got out of my work shift, thankfully.
I lied in my bed, on the couch, and on the floor all day today.
I asked my mom to come over and make me some chicken noodle soup, and she did just that.
My hot and cold flashes are ridiculous.
My body aches, my head pounds, my skin hurts. I need a damn back rub.
I wish I had someone to take care of me.

Xx

Rage Quit On Life

My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?

Fuck you, fuck everyone.