How I feel: incredibly ridiculous and dumbfounded.
I watched a movie this evening… A movie I read the book of.
I’m never pleased with books made into movies. Maybe it’s because I’m a reader and love books, but the movie adaptions are always horrible.
I’m left with this icky feeling that is not pleasing. I must have certain triggers that I’m not fully aware of.
My mood was more or less fine all day. It’s been this way for a couple of weeks. Now all of a sudden, I’ve been rushed back to this god awful state of bewilderment and unease and pain.
I don’t understand why all these horrific thoughts are coming back and running through my mind. Why now? What made them return?
I wish I had a work space here. I wish I was on a regular sleep schedule. I wish I would stop procrastinating everything in my life. I continue to wish tomorrow will be better; it has yet to come.
It’s been too long. I’m disappointed in myself for many reasons.
I was doing more or less alright. I’ve had many ups and downs. But right now, I can feel my depression creep back in. It’s extremely unsettling. I want to vomit, and cry, and scream, and run away.
I want to cut. But I can’t. I have to stop upsetting the people around me.
I might have a panic attack, if I don’t stay on top of keeping calm. I feel like the world is crumbling in around me. I’m scared. Afraid. Terrified.
I’m itching to cut right now.
And it’s fucking rough.
My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?
Fuck you, fuck everyone.
My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.
My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.
My friend told me to fake it until I make it. In other words, continue to tell myself I’m strong and deserve better and that I’m not at fault. I can’t do this? I’m just lying to myself, I know the truth. How do you believe lies?
I mind fucked myself and started crying. I grabbed my teddy bear and snuggled with him to hopefully make me feel better.
Now, I’m having these sick thoughts, that are out of my control. They started when I was analyzing my recent self harm scars. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why do I think this way? My mind is so fucked. If I lived in the US and in a country that served the death sentence with death, that’s where I’d be.
These thoughts are that ridiculous. And my brain is saying that I could probably get the nerve to do it if I flipped that switch where I go kind of crazy and hysterical.
Not too mention, I’m still depressed as fuck and contemplating self harm again, after already ripping my self apart last night.