Past Few Days

I’ve been having a bad few days.
I’m struggling with T.
I slept with Z. (who I only just met)
T and I had an argument. It seemed like he no longer wanted to see me. He made me seem like I was the bad guy for expressing myself.
I was having a panic attack. I nearly cut myself. Luckily my arms are fine, I didn’t give in.
Z made me sick.
I’m tried of being sick. I should probably go to the doctors. But fuck, who has time for that these days?

Xx

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Expressing Myself

T,

I do not appreciate the tone you used this evening when I was telling you how I felt. Your sarcastic remarks and joking manner was not appropriate at that time. I don’t find it funny to joke about someone’s insecurities, especially when they are being open and talking about them.

No, you specifically never said you didn’t care about me and part of my does believe you do. I can tell by your actions when we are together. But your statement earlier, “…I’m not really someone who is going to be all apologetic and worried about how I act with you, or anyone,” doesn’t tell me that you care about me. It sounds very immature, which I know you aren’t. Maybe you just didn’t think about what you were writing when you said that.

You claim you didn’t force me into it, but you did T, you did. I don’t think you see how you act when you get into that ‘state.’ It scares me. I don’t like seeing the aggression in your eyes or the aggression in your voice or the aggression in your actions.

I never said you did all those things to me, I was listing what I have been through in the past as an example of what I wouldn’t appreciate if you did. However, you have done B and C. We discussed these issues before and you told me you understood and respected that I came to you about it. Today, you completely went against your word. I was legitimately scared and upset and mad. Did our conversation not sink in enough for you? I cannot and will not tolerate any of these actions, and you know exactly why. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and have their thoughts heard and understood. I am asking for that from you, again. I shouldn’t have to keep asking you to stop the behavior towards me that I cannot tolerate. And as sad as I am to say this, what we have going on will have to end immediately if things do not change.

Please don’t take this as a threat, because it isn’t one. I’m letting you know that I cannot be around someone that lets me down in these ways.

Sure, work isn’t always the greatest at times, but that still doesn’t give me the option to abuse my power as the boss. I have a huge responsibility in all three of my current jobs. I more or less enjoy what I do right now and the people I work with and work for. I do not want to disrespect anyone by being late or doing my job half-ass. Today, it seemed like you didn’t care if you made me late for work. My position is not the same as yours. I cannot choose to work when I wish, I cannot choose who I work for. Our careers are different and I need you to realize that. I cannot afford to be late to work, ever. I have people waiting on me. These children and their parents have paid for this time with me. Me showing up late, is extremely disrespectful. That is not who I am, or who I ever wish to be.

I understand no one is perfect. And I know I am definitely far from it. I’ve got a lot of demons to battle. Because of this, I don’t see myself as worthy of much. I have low self esteem and sometimes need positive encouragement that tells me I am doing a good job. When it comes to such personal matters, a.k.a. ‘my demons,’ it is a lot harder for me to take constructive criticism. I know this is a horrible trait of mine, but I can only work on so much of myself at a time. And as I said, I am no where close to perfect. You need to be kind with your words, if you can be. Yes, I suppose I am a little too sensitive. But I cannot change that at a drop of a hat. It takes work and time to fix.

_________________

You are a very kind man with a huge heart. I enjoy that we share similarities and I can learn more about the spiritual world with you. I like that you look me in the eyes when you are listening to me talk. I like how affectionate you are towards me. It makes me feel like we are connected on a deeper level. I like that you are open to experimenting with me. I love that you take time out of your day to spend it with me. I love that you actually want to see me. I like that you boost my confidence with compliments all the time. I like that you take an honest interest in me. I like that you are willing to go out and do things with me. I appreciate the hoops you have to jump through with your parents to come see me. I appreciate you doing favors for me when I ask. I enjoy learning new things about you. I enjoy listening to you talk about your passion for your career. I enjoy listening to you laugh, it’s infectious. You are a very smart, funny, fit, and good looking young man with a bright future ahead of him.

Respectfully,
R

Dog Face Wash

I wish more of the guys I hooked up with were better kissers. I can’t handle getting my face licked like a dog any damn longer.

I Don’t Always Find A Song I Like…

I have been crazy sick the last little bit.
I got the flu for about a week and it took me a while to start feeling better. I had to take off all my work shifts. I was incredibly weak. Just walking up a flight of stairs took my breath away, it was insane.
After getting over the peak of my sickness I slowly started going back to work and eating again. Although I got stronger, my nausea went away, and my appetite came back; I didn’t feel 100%. I had a sore throat and felt like I was catching a cold immediately after getting over the flu. Unfortunately it was not the case. My sore throat kept getting worse and worse. I finally had enough, nothing was helping and I knew it wasn’t a cold.
I had had strep throat once before, and although the pain was similar I knew it wasn’t that. I did a google self diagnosis. I figured I had tonsillitis. I got to the doctors immediately and I was right. I got tonsillitis because of my¬†flu bacterial infection.
Now the past few days my throat feels like I swallowed razor blades. I couldn’t eat or drink anything. Just opening my mouth to speak or swallow my own spit hurt like hell. My tonsils were incredibly swollen. I rocked a double chin for those few days.
I am now thankfully on medication to get rid of the infection and numb my throat from the intense pain.

Needless to say, I am very sick and tired of immune system. I don’t want to feel like death anymore! I better not get sick this Winter or else shit will hit the fan!

In this sick phase I also went through another depressive episode, which just made everything worse. I’m doing better now.

On a lighter note, a friend just told me about this band [Our Last Night] and I’ve been listening to them all night. They give me goosebumps. They will be on replay for the next two weeks, for sure.

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Talk soon. xx

Dying

Dying inside.