My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?
Fuck you, fuck everyone.