It is 1:36 in the morning. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. My bed is comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. I feel like I can go run a marathon. I’ve got a lot of energy… I think. I’m not 100% sure what I’m feeling sometimes. My minds racing with ideas, emotions, thoughts, and conversations.
I wish I had him right now. My “boyfriend” I mean. I use that term lightly because who the fuck knows who he really is.
Yeah… We’re still there.
I want to cuddle with him. I want to feel loved and cared for right now. I want his shoulder to cry on and his ears for support. I want to see him smile and I want to hear his laugh. I want to smell that faint aroma of cigarettes and marijuana. I want to run my fingers through his hair… All his hair.
I wish he would take the time for me.
I talked a little to him today. I asked if he knew why previous girls cheated on him. He said he didn’t know. I’m curious what he thinks the reason is. I want to see if it matches up to my reasons.
Not that I’ve cheated… Or maybe I have? I don’t consider it cheating. He’s like a one night boyfriend. I never see him or talk to him. And when it does happen, it’s on my request. So fuck him…
I’m not going to tell him. It doesn’t matter. When I know we are together, I commit to him. Then when he ignores me and I get mad and he still never responds. He can fuck a cow. I do my own thing. I don’t consider that cheating. If he wants this (pointing to self) he needs to learn how to keep it.
What do you think?
Phew… Sorry. I haven’t been able to talk to him in person about how I’ve been feeling. The wound is still fresh.
I still have the most screwed up dreams/nightmares. I can’t remember the last somewhat pleasant dream I had. They are all always horrible. The stress from the day depicts the content, the length, the recurrence, etc.
I’m not working any days this week, unless I cover a shift. I’m finding it hard to stay busy and distracted during the day, and it’s only Monday. Having time to think is very dangerous. I had long and frequent moments today where I was stuck inside my head. The more this happens the more depressed and anxiety ridden I get. Then I want to cut or drink or smoke. Or go on a texting rampage to get out how I feel (to the wrong people). I act on impulse and do things I may regret. These little moments of getting stuck in my head are not good for me and my mental health. I try to stay away but you know as soon as you start telling yourself not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.