Define Cheating

It is 1:36 in the morning. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. My bed is comfortable yet uncomfortable at the same time. I feel like I can go run a marathon. I’ve got a lot of energy… I think. I’m not 100% sure what I’m feeling sometimes. My minds racing with ideas, emotions, thoughts, and conversations.

I wish I had him right now. My “boyfriend” I mean. I use that term lightly because who the fuck knows who he really is.
Yeah… We’re still there.
I want to cuddle with him. I want to feel loved and cared for right now. I want his shoulder to cry on and his ears for support. I want to see him smile and I want to hear his laugh. I want to smell that faint aroma of cigarettes and marijuana. I want to run my fingers through his hair… All his hair.
I wish he would take the time for me.

I talked a little to him today. I asked if he knew why previous girls cheated on him. He said he didn’t know. I’m curious what he thinks the reason is. I want to see if it matches up to my reasons.
Not that I’ve cheated… Or maybe I have? I don’t consider it cheating. He’s like a one night boyfriend. I never see him or talk to him. And when it does happen, it’s on my request. So fuck him…
I’m not going to tell him. It doesn’t matter. When I know we are together, I commit to him. Then when he ignores me and I get mad and he still never responds. He can fuck a cow. I do my own thing. I don’t consider that cheating. If he wants this (pointing to self) he needs to learn how to keep it.
What do you think?

*deep breath*

Phew… Sorry. I haven’t been able to talk to him in person about how I’ve been feeling. The wound is still fresh.

I still have the most screwed up dreams/nightmares. I can’t remember the last somewhat pleasant dream I had. They are all always horrible. The stress from the day depicts the content, the length, the recurrence, etc.

I’m not working any days this week, unless I cover a shift. I’m finding it hard to stay busy and distracted during the day, and it’s only Monday. Having time to think is very dangerous. I had long and frequent moments today where I was stuck inside my head. The more this happens the more depressed and anxiety ridden I get. Then I want to cut or drink or smoke. Or go on a texting rampage to get out how I feel (to the wrong people). I act on impulse and do things I may regret. These little moments of getting stuck in my head are not good for me and my mental health. I try to stay away but you know as soon as you start telling yourself not to think about something, all you can think about is that thing.

Good night.

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9 thoughts on “Define Cheating

      1. There is always time. If a person is unwilling to give it, they do not consider you worthy of it. It really is that simple. To sugarcoat and mask this as something that will do you no good, is an injustice.

        If he values you, he will find the time for you. If he does not give you the time–he does not value you.

        You must always communicate your expectations in a relationship, because when you do not, it leads to instances like what you are facing.

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        1. That’s what I’ve been telling him. He even told me communication is key to a successful relationship (I’m a little shy). I needed to open up and talk to him more. Now that I am trying, he is closing up. I don’t really understand what’s going on. I’m hoping to get together with him and giving him no choice but to discuss us, otherwise I’m out.

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          1. Your shyness is something I’ve experienced, internally as well as with others. I have changed of course, but to help in your situation, there’s a trick my mum uses with people. It allows them to come out of their shell by others means, than verbal communication. Eventually, it helps you convey your thoughts more naturally–verbally.

            Write down your thoughts, regardless what those thoughts may be. This way, you are not undermining your confidence, due to the presence of another person. It’s just you, paper and pen, or you and your electronic device.

            By the end of your writing, you will have an uninterrupted moment of expression. Share this with the other person. Sometimes we retain things more, when we read it, versus hearing. Eventually, you will begin to express your thoughts without the shyness

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            1. That is a great idea. I’ve never been one to talk about how I feel. I know how unhelpful that is. I do write a lot and when it comes to overwhelming I write about how I feel. When I set my mind to it, I generally can come across exactly what I want to say when I write.

              Thank you for the suggestion. I’m going to write down every point I need to make to him.

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              1. It was an idea that my mother used with my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, in order to initiate dialogue between her and her mum. It worked perfectly.

                I genuinely wish you well during the writing process. Upon expressing yourself, make sure to write down your expectations from him, yourself and the relationship. If your expectations do not align, you must move on.

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