Pills

The pills make me pass out.

Partner Needed

I’m still sick as a dog.
I’ve managed a little bit of food today around 9pm.
Watched the Walking Dead, I cannot wait until next week’s episode!
I got out of my work shift, thankfully.
I lied in my bed, on the couch, and on the floor all day today.
I asked my mom to come over and make me some chicken noodle soup, and she did just that.
My hot and cold flashes are ridiculous.
My body aches, my head pounds, my skin hurts. I need a damn back rub.
I wish I had someone to take care of me.

Xx

Sick As A Dog

So I’m actually dying inside.
I was vomiting all morning at work (so uncomfortable).
I had to lay down on the floor in my bosses office (I’m supposed to be sitting at the front desk, helping customers).
I had to get another employee to come in for me.
I got home and went straight to bed, I took medication to ease my stomach and then closed my eyes.
I woke up a few hours later, but stayed in bed until I relieved the employee who took part of my work shift.
I wasn’t as nauseous, but still felt like shit.
I was at work until midnight, and didn’t do anything because my body started to ache and my skin hurts to touch… All signs I’m getting the flu.
I’m in bed again, wishing someone could rub my back.

I hope your day was better than mine.
Good night. Xx

SYTYCD

I really need someone’s love and affection.
I’m dying inside, slowly but surely.
It’s very painful.

I don’t want to rely heavily on sleeping pills anymore, but I’ve been taking them to get some sleep.
I’ve got work at 6:30am tomorrow, I’ll need a few winks to keep me going at that hour of the morning.

Went to the SYTYCD show tonight, it was amazing.

Pills are kicking in, talk tomorrow.
Good night.

Rage Quit On Life

My plan was to go into work today, but my body and mind wouldn’t pull together to make it happen. I laid in bed until 3pm, not by choice. My aunt (who I’m still living with) was on her way home because the stove guy was coming. I had to look like I went to work, she couldn’t know I stayed at home, she couldn’t know I’m not well.
I starved myself all day then binged right before dinner.
My aunt went back to work, so I left to go to a friends place in hopes of getting cheered up.
I played with her almost two year old son. I love him, he is the cutest thing ever. It makes me think a lot about having kids of my own. We talked for a while which made me feel slightly better. But when she got to the ex bit, I froze up. I stopped talking.
And to make matters worse, she borrowed my phone and deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook. She did this without telling me or asking my permission. It caught me way off guard. I blew it off like it was nothing, but inside I was breaking down, having an anxiety attack.
Eventually I left to go to work a basketball shift. I was all over the place, I kept fucking up the scoreboard. Thank god they are older women and don’t give two shits about the score.
I drove back to the house and went straight to my room. I feel so emotionally drained. I’ve hit the red zone, max capacity for everything.
I’m inching closer and closer to using that blade. I feel so worthless, like nothing is going right in my life. Nobody wants me, or wants what’s best for me. Nobody likes or even loves the real me. They run and hide when I get “crazy”. Does anyone have the ability to feel empathy and sympathy?
It’s so hard going on every day, feeling so much pain. I can’t bare this forever. When will I fall and never get back up again? Tomorrow?
Why can nobody understand the internal struggle that we go through?
Why should I have to contemplate overdosing every night to put me out of my misery.
Is no one scared for me?
Do they think it’s some joke?
Attempting to commit suicide twice doesn’t matter?
Being dependent on self harm just to make it to the next day is okay?

Fuck you, fuck everyone.

Please Make It Stop

My anxiety level is dangerously high.
Why won’t this shit go away. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m exhausted and sick. I cannot continue like this. It’s ridiculous. My mental health is so out of wack. I can’t stay stable. I’m falling and breaking into pieces.
I can’t find it within me to care about my many jobs and responsibilities, it’s all too much. I’m so overwhelmed with the littlest of tasks. It takes hours to get out of bed in the morning. My body won’t get out of bed or keep my eyes open. I just want to stay curled up in a ball where no one can see me or get to me or know where I am.

My nightmares are so severe. I wake up multiple times through a night scared shitless. It’s freezing over here and I’m sweating because of my nightmares.
This is insanity.
Please make it stop.
I beg of you.

Reopen The Wounds

My body is healed and I can’t help but think I need to reopen my wounds.

By the way, sorry about the past few days and being M.I.A.