My OK Day

Today’s Accomplishments:
– Stopped by work to pick up my notes
– Picked up my table from mom’s, put it in the back of the truck and moved it to my room at my aunt’s, as well as the rest of my clothes and belongings
– Put my room together at my aunt’s
– Got a huge garbage bag and filled it with clothes to give away
– FINALLY shaved my legs and brushed my hair
– Went to work
– Cleaned my bedsheets

I think I did well for myself today.

I have to work early tomorrow morning. I hope to finish what needs to get done tomorrow evening.

I’ve been waiting for a while for my boyfriend to text me back. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I texted him. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again. I waited and waited and waited. Nothing. I texted him again asking how many years you get after murdering someone. Send it. Response right after. I asked him to come over. Never replied. I got one text. ONE FUCKING TEXT. I’m so sick of this shit.
I finally just told him exactly what is going on.
” You frustrate me. Did you know that?
What does it take to get your boyfriend to take interest in you? To make an effort to want to see you? To want to talk to you and see how you are?
I don’t think I’m setting any high expectations.This is some pretty basic shit here.”
Obviously no response. But tomorrow… I swear to God. If he doesn’t answer me…. It’s fucking over.
Is this what our relationship is going to be like? Me constantly waiting for him. Him fitting me in once a week for a few hours when he isn’t busy. Fuck you buddy, but I don’t deserve that!
I don’t understand him at all.
My friends I go to about this problem all say to ditch him. But I’ve been holding out. I’ve been trying for him. But I can’t do this forever. And he has yet to catch on. Maybe it’s not worth all this. I want to think it is, but maybe it just isn’t.
I thought about something earlier… If he were to break up with me right now, I honestly think my reaction wouldn’t change. Everytime he says goodbye after seeing me in person my heart drops and I go back to that sad place. Probably because I know it’ll be forever until I see him or speak to him again. Which is fucking ridiculous!

My back is killing me right now. I’m attempting to stretch it out but no miracles here.

I’ve been thinking about going in for another round of therapy, I’m not sure. I kind of want a new therapist but not, at the same time.
A lot of anxiety is coming back and staying present, I don’t like it one bit.

I’ve got a few books on the go right now, but the one I was reading today is called #16thingsithoughtweretrue by Janet Gurtler. I’m a little less than half way, but totally sucked in. It’s a great quick read, if anyone is looking for something along those lines.

Good night little devils.
I pray for no nightmares, but who am I kidding.

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