I Don’t Dance

Doing somewhat better today.
I met up with him at work yesterday. I surprised him with a chocolate frosty with a lit candle in the straw hole.
He appreciated it.
We hung around at his work until he was allowed to leave.
I took him for a few birthday beers then we came back to my place for an episode of the walking dead.
And because it was late, he just stayed the night.
I didn’t plan on it happening, but I love it when he stays. It completely lifts my spirits. When we hang out in public we aren’t very affectionate. But when we sleep together, he is the biggest cuddler and I absolutely adore him for that.
This morning when we woke up, we laid together forever, completely intertwined. I didn’t want to move or even breathe, I cherish those moments. They are so precious to me.

Now that I am lying in bed now, I’m in this weird slightly negative mood. I’m 96% sure it’s because I miss him. Which sucks. I will always feel this way after feeling so blissfully happy.
Is that normal?
To be on top of the world then drowning in sadness.
I should be happy shouldn’t I? I don’t know what’s up…
Maybe all this attention and affection was too much too fast.
Still attempting to heal from depression, anxiety, and OCD episodes.
I might be falling into this trap where I need to be with him to feel happy. I can’t be happy on my own. I’m becoming codependent on him. Which is not healthy for either of us and us as a whole.
Fuck, maybe it’s time to go back to the therapists and sort this shit out. I need answers.

My pillow still smells like him and a few pieces of hair are on the pillow. I’m happy but sad. I don’t understand how and why I’m feeling this way.
I’m falling hard and fast, and I’m terrified.

I don’t dance, but here I am, spinning you round and round in circles.
It ain’t my style, but I don’t care, I’d do anything with you anywhere.
Yes you’ve got me in the palm of your hand girl, because I don’t dance.


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