Celebrating Nothing

image

Tell myself I’m fine in celebrating nothing
And all the time I waste on celebrating nothing

How many times can I blow it all
How many times will I burn it down

Give me a reason to stay alive
I’ve got the feeling we’re gonna die

I hide behind my eyes and lies and broken mirrors
And every day I say this time around my vision’s getting clearer

How many times can I blow it all
How many times will I burn it down

Give me a reason to stay alive
I’ve got the feeling we’re gonna die
Give me a reason to stay alive
I’ve got the feeling we’re gonna die

How many times can I blow it all
How many times will I burn it down
How many times can I blow it all
How many times will I burn it down

Give me a reason to stay alive (we’re gonna die)
I’ve got the feeling we’re gonna die (we’re gonna die)
Give me a reason to stay alive (we’re gonna die)
I’ve got the feeling we’re gonna die

Phantogram

Updates

Emotionally: dead
Physically: hurting
Mentally: fucked

Today had been an okay day until my boyfriend thing texted me asking me a question. Instead of answering him, I said let’s get together tonight to talk. He said he couldn’t. I asked why, no response.
My anxiety is so high right now that I want to cut, I think I will too. I need to escape and drain out how I’m feeling. I feel like it’ll consume me.

My heartburn is getting worse. I get it for no reason now. I used to only get it when I had tomato products.
The right side of my right breast is really quite sore. It’s on and off, but been like this for years. Tomorrow I’m calling to see my Doctor. My mom and grandma and I have a history of tumors, both banine and cancerous. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

——————

Oops, I totally crashed last night after a mini panic attack. Then I hustled around today trying to get a last minute ride to work. It ended up being my boyfriend who made himself late for work to drive me. I guess that means something…

Talk later.

Habits

I’m in my bed tonight, and I’m alone. Goods news I suppose. But I’d much rather like to be with someone. I didn’t take any of my meds today. I have heart burn and severe cravings for weed.

An over exaggerated picture into my life… (I also like this song)

image

I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people gettin’ it on
It doesn’t make me nervous
If anything I’m restless
Yeah, I’ve been around and I’ve seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub
Then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Dazed and kinda lonely

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my daytime
Loosen up the frown,
Make them feel alive
I’ll make it fast and greasy
I’m numb and way too easy

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Ooh
Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Ooh

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Ooh
Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

Habit – Tove Lo

Good night.

This Is Gonna Get Weird

Just finished watching The Bourne Identity with one of my friends. Starting up the second one, The Bourne Supremacy. I’ve seen all three movies plenty of times, but they are pretty good. I’m sleeping over tonight. I feel too lonely to sleep alone. I wish every night I didn’t have to sleep alone.
Actually, I want to fall asleep with someone but wake up alone.
Falling asleep is hard for me and it’s one of the hardest parts of my day.
Being beside someone makes me focus a lot less on the negative aspects in my life. In the morning, I want to be alone. Start my day with myself. Wake up “fresh”. Only have to worry about myself and my day.
Tomorrow morning should I just wake up and leave without telling him? It’ll be awkward, I know it. I’ll be awkward.
Not too mention, he only has a single bed… This is gonna get weird, real weird. I don’t like him, not at all. It’s 100% friendship. I know he likes me because he told me, don’t worry it’s not my huge ego talking.
I might end up sleeping on the floor. Which is so bad for my back.
I know you might be wondering why I out myself in these situations. Well… I don’t fucking know. I’m an idiot and don’t learn from my mistakes I guess.

Talk soon

HELP: Guy Problems

Hey guys. Sorry about being M.I.A. the last few days.
I’ve been talking to my “boyfriend” “the Janitor” “Eric”. All these people are the same person. Sorry I keep calling him something different. We’ve been trying to deal with what’s going on between us, but it has been hard. Especially when he doesn’t make it a first priority. He did however come over last night, we were supposed to talk, but we haven’t seen each other in a while so we enjoyed each others company instead. We started The Walking Dead where we left off. We got all cuddled up and watched zombies eat some brains. He had a cold so I propped him up on some pillows to breathe better. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was happy, but I had a lot of noise going on beside me and my mind was racing. Bad nightmares, sweating, awake every hour.
This morning I woke up early for work but even earlier to make us breakfast. Not only did it take him forever to wake up, I tickled his feet, massaged his back, kissed his face and body, ran my hands through his hair. Nothing. So I yelled at him to wake up. (I may have over exaggerated on the yelling bit). Then he comes upstairs to me making breakfast and he doesn’t want it. Fuck sakes. So I took both breakfasts with me to work, I refuse to eat his just because. He picked up and went outside for a smoke while I’m still cleaning up and grabbing my work things.
I finally went to sit with him and he said he wished we had talked last night then he attempted to say a few things, but didn’t really say anything. We were both in a bad mood and I had to get on my way to work. No hug, no kiss, nothing. Just a talk to you later. Jesus Christ, this kid. I swear to God. If I get charged for murder, you all know why.
I just want us to be happy, is that too hard to ask? I’ve been trying, why can’t he see that? What can I do to make this easier? Seriously though, any advice would be grand. I really like this guy and this is very frustrating and upsetting.
I don’t think he noticed my newly dyed hair or my repierced naval… Unless he just didn’t say anything.

Anyway, back to work… doing nothing.

Talk soon.

Good Morning

Good morning Internet (2:26pm).
I foolishly didn’t sleep at home last night, and needless to say I wasn’t with Eric either.
Shame and guilt.

Time to get the day started.

Anxiety To The Max

I’m filled with anxiety.
I might have a panic attack.
I miss Eric so bad right now.
I’m stressing so much.