Baby Steps

I just needed some time. Time to get high as a kite and reflect upon my life in a calm manner. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to smoke, and it was Fan-fucking-tastic. I go to this cute little bay off this rocky road immersed in trees. The only thing you can hear are the waves and splashing of water on the rocks. The only thing I can see are stars in the sky and the distant skyline.
My mind is calm, the thoughts have dispersed and disappeared, my heart rate dropped to a steady beat. If only life was actually as relaxing as this.
Bed will be easy tonight. I’ll fall asleep with no problems. Nightmares however will stay. Nothing gets rid of those.
Actually… That’s a lie. The only time I sleep like an angel is when I have someone sleeping with me. No nightmares, no restlessness, no tossing and turning. I wonder why? Do I feel more safe? Is it the love? The closeness of another body? I’m not sure….

Janitor and I are beginning to sort out what’s going on between us. Unfortunately it was too late. I’ve slept with him a handful of times during this contemplative stage. I didn’t know was going on. I didn’t think he really wanted to see me. He still called me a friend to his buddies. Even after sleeping with the man twice. I haven’t told him about him and what we were doing. I don’t think I need to explain myself. I wanted to be all his, but he didn’t steal me away fast enough. But I’m no cheater. Now that there is more between us, I will no longer see him.
I do not have the balls to tell him why. I keep lying to him. “Sorry, I just don’t feel like it tonight,” “Sorry, my medication isn’t making me feel good tonight,” “Sorry, already have plans tonight.” There is always some other excuse besides the truth. I don’t know why I’ve kept it; why I can’t tell him.

Good night. I’ll get that travel log done eventually. Baby steps.

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