Ashamed

Got off work tonight at midnight.
Got a text from my ex asking to sleep with him on my drive home.
Got to my room.
Got high.

Why can’t I do good in the world? Why am I constantly punished by the people I love and care deeply for? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I get over him?

Why? WHY? W-H-Y?!

So much for being sober. Just fucked up all my progress tonight. It’s dangerous for me to smoke and drink on my meds. It causes severe depression and terrible migraines… I’m now finding out.
There’a no alcohol in the house. But I always have marijuana on me. It makes me feel safe. Why? I don’t know! It’s there for me if I ever need it. It will never let me down. Same with self harm. It’s always an option. It always relieves the temporary pain.

What to do now… Clean up and wallow and sulk in the shame and guilt of my own filth.

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5 thoughts on “Ashamed

  1. Oh hun. I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t know what it’s like to have an addiction, but I do know that it’s bloody hard to fight one, so don’t beat yourself up. You’ve still made progress.
    I don’t really know your situation, but is there a way you can block your ex on all fronts? Your mobile phone company might be able to block specific numbers. If being contacted by him is so distressing, it might be better to protect yourself and make it so he can’t contact you. Ever.

    Like

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