Depressed Thoughts

Going to try this out… see if I like it.

Fortunately and unfortunately work tomorrow. I get to spend my day with people I like to be around, but I am going to break my back with hard labor. My back is already hurting me now, so not looking forward to that. Tomorrow night’s work involves seeing him if he decides to show up. I would really prefer not to. He texted me today and I tried to be nice and just end the conversation. I can’t do it. I can’t have anything to do with him and control my life at the same time. I can’t count how many times I thought about self harm and getting high today. The urge was strong. Strong enough for me to go home and get some of both things from my secret stash. I didn’t do anything. But… I debated it several times and tried to come up with a reason as to why it would be acceptable. Unfortunately, nothing came to mind.
One thing that stops me from going any further, is the fear. It is strongly recommended not to do drugs or drink alcohol on my medication (which I’m sure it is with most). And my fear is feeling even worse and screwing things up. I’m terrified of going back to how I felt; wanting to end my life every day. I will do anything not to feel that way again. I know for a fact if I ever went down that path again, I may not make it out like I did this time. I already tried ending my life on two occasions and it didn’t work out. The next time, I might not be so lucky.

Anyway, enough depressed thoughts.
Good night. Talk soon.

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