A Lot Of Uncertainty

My impulses were too strong this evening and I gave in. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. It’s a different pain. The lonelyness doesn’t help the urges either.

I had an early morning today. Went to train for the summer job I got a few weeks back. After a few hours, I was allowed to leave.
I was exhausted and had the house to myself all day and evening. So I watched a handful of movies (quite literally five) and had a friend offer to bring dinner over and acompany me for a bit. Which was a nice change.
I also had a splendid nap.

Now that I have more free time, I’m taking the time to relax. I’ve non stop going physically and mentally for a very long time. I want to start being more creative and express myself through art.
I’ve been writing for several months now and have done a little bit of drawing.
I’ve been looking at cameras tonight. I have a passion for photography and want to get into that too.
I wish I could play an instrument well. I started learning the piano and uke, but lost interest. So I guess I’ll stick with the writing.

I hope to go to the dog park tomorrow with my two little girls. It’s very relaxing for me and it tires out the pups. Two birds with one stone.

I have emails and stuff to catch up on. But recently, I just really don’t want to. I only want to do things I want. My whole life I have spent my time doing what I need and almost never took time for myself. I want to start doing that and find my passion for life.
This is something I can’t achieve overnight. It will take time to find those things and find a balance. I might be too optimistic about this. I tend to get this way after coming back from a depressed mood.

I haven’t looked into bipolar disorders, but I did watch a the first episode of a new tv series (I highly recommend it by the way), it’s called Black Box.


I know tv shows don’t always portray things properly but I felt like I learned more about the main characters bipolar disorder. And to be perfectly honest… I feel like I have transitoned from my depression (before medication) to being bipolar (with medication). I go between extremes a lot of the time. This certainly doesn’t mean I have this condition and I probably don’t. I guess I can just relate to some of the symptoms of a bipolar condition.

I would like to book a therapy session sometime in the next week.
I saw my doctor last week for more pills.
Online therapist… Still haven’t contacted him. I haven’t been able to do the homework assignment for my second week. And I can’t move on until I have completed it fully. I might be in this stage for a while…

I took a break from the online dating. Wanted time for myself. Especially after not clicking with the first date guy and the guy I actually liked stopped texting me.
There is a guy I work with who I like.
I’m not one who believes in “stuff happens for a reason”, but on Friday I had one of these epiphanies. He bumped into each other in public before our shift that night. And then when I got to work, I had to go find him to get hin to help me with something only he has access to. I feel like recently, since I’ve started “noticing” him in this way, these moments were oppertunities given me. I have worked with him for almost a year and I have never talked to him or bumped into him  or needed his assistance until these past few months.
Maybe I’m just over thinking it… I tend to do that, way too much.

I haven’t written or mentioned him in a while. I would prefer not to right now. It still brings up a lot for me. And it’s easier for me to not talk about him. When I do, I think about him and it’s very hard to stop and I the depression usually sinks in at this point.
So were leaving it out for now.
I want to be hopeful and I do try to be… But I just don’t ever see myself getting past what has happened. Maybe it’s still too soon to tell. I’m still in the middle of it all.

I got completely caught up on Game of Thrones Season 4. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s new episode. I’ve got this set as my background right now.


Good old Kings Landing.

Who I’ve been listening to recently…
Calvin Harris
Tegan and Sara
Young The Giant

I need to go back to the gym… I feel fat. 😦
The scale says the same weight. But I know I look different. I believe the muscle has gone and fat has replaced it.

The first few games this summer will definitely be a struggle.

“It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

– J.K. Rowling

Good night. Talk soon.


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