Bi-What?

I guess any day you don’t feel the need to inflict pain on yourself through self harm, overdosing on street drugs, medication, or alcohol, or the want to kill yourself is a good day.

Unfortunately I didn’t have this definition of a good day today. I’m still living at the shelter, and I have no idea why I continue to visit home. As soon as I arrive, all I want to do is leave.

I almost got high this afternoon. I had my rolled joint between my finger tips with my baby blue lighter in the other hand. But I couldn’t do it. I’ve been sober for more than a month now. And I know if I do it once, i’ll just want it more. And then i’ll be stuck in that horrible cycle again. It’s just so difficult. I don’t know how to replace the craving.

It got so bad today, that I debated self harm. Which hasn’t crossed my mind once for a few weeks now.

My anxiety since placement started and school ended has slowly been rising. Why? I don’t know.
Maybe because I have more time for myself now. More time to worry about stupid shit. More time to get anxious. More time to freak out. More time to dwell. More time to be depressed.
My anxiety in public places has been insane recently, especially today. And I have no idea why. My chest gets tight and it gets very hard to breath. I feel trapped with no escape.

I’m scared things are going south. I emailed my therapist to book an appiontment this week.

One thing on my mind recently is the fear of being judged and not being accepted by others for who you are.
We are supposed to embrace ourselves and be proud. But there are still those fuckers (excuse my language – things are getting a little tense over here) out there who enjoy putting you down.

I don’t know how to approach people. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to act or what to expect. Maybe I should just say it… I’m safe here anyway. Right?

I’m bisexual.

Good night.

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8 thoughts on “Bi-What?

  1. Good for you. For staying sober (I haven’t managed that one for more than a day at a time, though my poison of choice is alcohol), for enlisting the help of your therapist and for saying that you are bi out loud (as out loud as a blog can be anyhow). I am a married mother of three. I am also bi. I’ve never said that out loud either. My hubby knows I am attracted to both sexes but I’ve never even used the word bi with him. I could just imagine the judgement I would get in the “real world”. *hugs*. Stay brave and stay strong. And be proud of the progress. Even though it is tough you are making progress ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement and the bit about yourself. It does make me feel better about myself. ๐Ÿ™‚
      Staying sober is extremely difficult. And I am a little terrified of relapsing. But for now, I have managed to stay strong.
      *hugs back*

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  2. Coming out, whether it’s sexuality or mental health stuff, is super scary. Thanks for trusting us ๐Ÿ™‚ and hooray! Discovering stuff about yourself is super awesome, so good for you.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, and congrats for taking steps to look after yourself (like calling your therapist). Keep us updated.

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    1. Yes. The scariest thing for me is what others will think and what I might lose if I am honest with people about myself.
      I am glad I am seeing my therapist too. He really puts a different spin on things and gives me different perspectives to look at.
      I will certainly keep you posted!
      And thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

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