I guess any day you don’t feel the need to inflict pain on yourself through self harm, overdosing on street drugs, medication, or alcohol, or the want to kill yourself is a good day.
Unfortunately I didn’t have this definition of a good day today. I’m still living at the shelter, and I have no idea why I continue to visit home. As soon as I arrive, all I want to do is leave.
I almost got high this afternoon. I had my rolled joint between my finger tips with my baby blue lighter in the other hand. But I couldn’t do it. I’ve been sober for more than a month now. And I know if I do it once, i’ll just want it more. And then i’ll be stuck in that horrible cycle again. It’s just so difficult. I don’t know how to replace the craving.
It got so bad today, that I debated self harm. Which hasn’t crossed my mind once for a few weeks now.
My anxiety since placement started and school ended has slowly been rising. Why? I don’t know.
Maybe because I have more time for myself now. More time to worry about stupid shit. More time to get anxious. More time to freak out. More time to dwell. More time to be depressed.
My anxiety in public places has been insane recently, especially today. And I have no idea why. My chest gets tight and it gets very hard to breath. I feel trapped with no escape.
I’m scared things are going south. I emailed my therapist to book an appiontment this week.
One thing on my mind recently is the fear of being judged and not being accepted by others for who you are.
We are supposed to embrace ourselves and be proud. But there are still those fuckers (excuse my language – things are getting a little tense over here) out there who enjoy putting you down.
I don’t know how to approach people. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to act or what to expect. Maybe I should just say it… I’m safe here anyway. Right?