Lying in bed, tired as usual, going over my day. It was pretty busy at placement. I got a lot accomplished again today. I worked until 7:30pm. Definitely one of my longer days there. But enjoying every moment none the less.
Exhaustion level = 15/10
Anxiety level = 3/10
Panic level = 4/10
OCD impulse = 5/10
Substance abuse impulse = 7/10
On my way back to the shelter on the bus. I ran into a problem that I haven’t run into yet. It’s taking me several hours to recover. A gentleman sat behind me and reeked of marijuana. The smell was a huge trigger for me. My want and need impulse hit me strong. It scared me, I had no idea what was happening. Smoking took up all my thoughts.
Somedays are harder than others when I struggle with wanting it even when I know I can’t go back down that road. But this is the first time I’ve had a trigger. I wasn’t prepared.
For the past few days I’ve been trying to muster up the energy, motivation and will to unfollow him on Twitter and Facebook. I avoid my Twitter all together and my Facebook timeline because I am terrified of seeing anything he posts. It sends me into this horrible state of panic and anxiety. The depression slowly kicks in and stays. It’s also a huge risk of OCD relapse. Today, I accomplished these tasks by myself without seeing anything. Kind of proud/don’t know exactly what to think about it.
I’ve been doing my first week assignments for the start of my new therapy. Things are going okay so far.
I had several triggers for anxiety today that lasted for a few moments. I’m keeping track of all of these now. I’m actually surprised at how often during the day, these little moments happen.
The doctor appointment went well. I got a perscription. No more samples. And I don’t have to see her for three weeks. Which is nice because it’s cutting into my placement hours. Now I only have therapy that will conflict with placement.
We talked about my abdominal pain and my upset stomach. It could be a number of things, but she thinks it’s the anxiety and stress from my new “job” (placement). Although I feel fine, a.k.a. stress free, that doesn’t mean my body isn’t stressed out. I’m not getting enough sleep, probably not eating very well, and trying to manage my mental health conditions, living arrangements, and transportation.
Side note… Tattoo is healing nicely. Itchy and peeling.
Good night guys.
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.