We’re All In This Together

I killed my back today. It’s no longer in service.
I can’t walk without getting sharp shooting pain down the backs of my legs.
Stupid back!
I have to go to work tomorrow and do the same thing again all day. Hopefully sleeping over night will rest it.
I had to bike in today. I was fighting the wind and it took me twice as long. It was brutal. I worked up a sweat and needed my asthma inhaler (for my exercise induced asthma). Which I didn’t bring! So needless to say I had to walk up hills otherwise I’d be needing to call 9-1-1.
Luckily, it’s pouring like crazy the next few days and get the car.

I had training tonight after work. Does anyone else get that urge to get out there and play when you watch a sporting event? I get that everytime I see a soccer game. I cannot wait for the season to start!

My birthday’s coming up so I need to send out my “invites”. I say “invites” because it is in no way classy or organized. Just friends for dinner.
I do want to do something fun as well with my bestie. Still trying to think of something.

My aunt’s cat has been snuggling with me all night and might sleep the night with me. I must be doing something right… (probably all the head rubs).

My hair was a mess today after riding my bike in the wind. So I threw it up in this simple, new, improvised braid ponytail thing. And it’s actually super cute!

I don’t have time to see my therapist this week even though i’m itching to go. I desperately need to talk and take care of thoughts on my mind. They are really bringing me down and my wall against urges slowly starts to fall. And I don’t want to relapse.

And now that I’m thinking about it, those feelings skyrocketed from 0 to 10.

I shall go distract myself with sleep. Hopefully…

Last night, I was tired but it took forever to fall asleep. 4am was the last time I saw on the clock. My head was spinning with thoughts and memories and to do lists and worries. It was crazy.
I’m hoping tonight is not like that.

Good night. Talk soon.

P.s. I’d also like to reach out to others who are going through hard times as well. I know it’s quite literally shit. I understand in at least some way, if not every way.
A recent thing I have come to recognize is the surprising support of a listener.
I am always here to lend an ear, or two, to someone who is in need.

❤ stay strong.

Debrief

It’s late (or early, depending on how you look at it) and I’m tired.

Quick debrief of the day:
– worked today doing equipment stuff
– back is very sore
– managed a cute/messy braid today
– made myself a tastey dinner
– went to work (he was there)
– ignored him, barely talked, didn’t even say bye or anything, just left him in the dust… MY dust!

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I don’t think I feel anything different. Just the same old depressed/happy self with frequent triggers and somewhat successfully fighting them off.

Tomorrow:
– more working with equipment
– more breaking my back
– training in the evening
– going to look at plans for my birthday that’s coming up (the big 2-0)
– and SLEEP, sleep a lot

Good night. Have a lovely day tomorrow. Talk soon.

Depressed Thoughts

Going to try this out… see if I like it.

Fortunately and unfortunately work tomorrow. I get to spend my day with people I like to be around, but I am going to break my back with hard labor. My back is already hurting me now, so not looking forward to that. Tomorrow night’s work involves seeing him if he decides to show up. I would really prefer not to. He texted me today and I tried to be nice and just end the conversation. I can’t do it. I can’t have anything to do with him and control my life at the same time. I can’t count how many times I thought about self harm and getting high today. The urge was strong. Strong enough for me to go home and get some of both things from my secret stash. I didn’t do anything. But… I debated it several times and tried to come up with a reason as to why it would be acceptable. Unfortunately, nothing came to mind.
One thing that stops me from going any further, is the fear. It is strongly recommended not to do drugs or drink alcohol on my medication (which I’m sure it is with most). And my fear is feeling even worse and screwing things up. I’m terrified of going back to how I felt; wanting to end my life every day. I will do anything not to feel that way again. I know for a fact if I ever went down that path again, I may not make it out like I did this time. I already tried ending my life on two occasions and it didn’t work out. The next time, I might not be so lucky.

Anyway, enough depressed thoughts.
Good night. Talk soon.

Survival

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The razor won’t save you from the hurt and the pain.
You’ll still feel alone,
You’ll still feel ashamed.

The blood calms the moment,
The red colors your life,
Cause nothing’s as good as the cool of the knife.

The first time is deceitful,
You’ll feel better- then worse.
You know it was stupid but your thoughts have dispersed.

A moment of calm.
A miracle at least.
Your mind takes a break, the cut tamed the beast.

Or that’s what you’ll think,
Every night since the first.
Just cut once a week, it couldn’t get worse.

But that’s the mistake,
Thinking you’re in control.
That’s just how it starts,
That’s how it takes hold.

You cry just to cut.
You cut just to cry.
The secrets and scars become too much to hide.

You dread someone seeing,
But want someone to know,
You don’t even think you could ever let go.

The razor has won,
It has stolen your trust.
Your love for the razor has turned into lust.

You’re not suicidal,
You don’t want to try,
But you wonder, just wonder,
What it’d be like to die.

Black Out Days

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Hide the sun
I will leave your face out of my mind
You should save your eyes
A thousand voices howling in my head

Speak in tongues
I don’t even recognize your face
Riddle on the wall
Tell me all the ways to stay awake

And stay away

Dig a hole
Fireworks exploding in my hands
If I could paint the sky
All the stars would shine upon in red

And stay away

Black out days
I don’t recognize you anymore

A Lot Of Uncertainty

My impulses were too strong this evening and I gave in. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. It’s a different pain. The lonelyness doesn’t help the urges either.

I had an early morning today. Went to train for the summer job I got a few weeks back. After a few hours, I was allowed to leave.
I was exhausted and had the house to myself all day and evening. So I watched a handful of movies (quite literally five) and had a friend offer to bring dinner over and acompany me for a bit. Which was a nice change.
I also had a splendid nap.

Now that I have more free time, I’m taking the time to relax. I’ve non stop going physically and mentally for a very long time. I want to start being more creative and express myself through art.
I’ve been writing for several months now and have done a little bit of drawing.
I’ve been looking at cameras tonight. I have a passion for photography and want to get into that too.
I wish I could play an instrument well. I started learning the piano and uke, but lost interest. So I guess I’ll stick with the writing.

I hope to go to the dog park tomorrow with my two little girls. It’s very relaxing for me and it tires out the pups. Two birds with one stone.

I have emails and stuff to catch up on. But recently, I just really don’t want to. I only want to do things I want. My whole life I have spent my time doing what I need and almost never took time for myself. I want to start doing that and find my passion for life.
This is something I can’t achieve overnight. It will take time to find those things and find a balance. I might be too optimistic about this. I tend to get this way after coming back from a depressed mood.

I haven’t looked into bipolar disorders, but I did watch a the first episode of a new tv series (I highly recommend it by the way), it’s called Black Box.

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I know tv shows don’t always portray things properly but I felt like I learned more about the main characters bipolar disorder. And to be perfectly honest… I feel like I have transitoned from my depression (before medication) to being bipolar (with medication). I go between extremes a lot of the time. This certainly doesn’t mean I have this condition and I probably don’t. I guess I can just relate to some of the symptoms of a bipolar condition.

I would like to book a therapy session sometime in the next week.
I saw my doctor last week for more pills.
Online therapist… Still haven’t contacted him. I haven’t been able to do the homework assignment for my second week. And I can’t move on until I have completed it fully. I might be in this stage for a while…

I took a break from the online dating. Wanted time for myself. Especially after not clicking with the first date guy and the guy I actually liked stopped texting me.
There is a guy I work with who I like.
I’m not one who believes in “stuff happens for a reason”, but on Friday I had one of these epiphanies. He bumped into each other in public before our shift that night. And then when I got to work, I had to go find him to get hin to help me with something only he has access to. I feel like recently, since I’ve started “noticing” him in this way, these moments were oppertunities given me. I have worked with him for almost a year and I have never talked to him or bumped into him  or needed his assistance until these past few months.
Maybe I’m just over thinking it… I tend to do that, way too much.

I haven’t written or mentioned him in a while. I would prefer not to right now. It still brings up a lot for me. And it’s easier for me to not talk about him. When I do, I think about him and it’s very hard to stop and I the depression usually sinks in at this point.
So were leaving it out for now.
I want to be hopeful and I do try to be… But I just don’t ever see myself getting past what has happened. Maybe it’s still too soon to tell. I’m still in the middle of it all.

I got completely caught up on Game of Thrones Season 4. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s new episode. I’ve got this set as my background right now.

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Good old Kings Landing.

Who I’ve been listening to recently…
Calvin Harris
Hedley
Phantogram
Tegan and Sara
Young The Giant

I need to go back to the gym… I feel fat. 😦
The scale says the same weight. But I know I look different. I believe the muscle has gone and fat has replaced it.

The first few games this summer will definitely be a struggle.

“It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

– J.K. Rowling

Good night. Talk soon.

Wishing You…

Good night world.
On to better and brighter things tomorrow.

Side Note: does anyone else love smelling their clean hair? Maybe it’s just me… I think i’m obsessed with my shampoo…

Talk soon.