Triggers

I apologize for being M.I.A. all weekend, to you and to myself. I did think about writing, but was too tired to even start thinking what happened throughout the day.
This weekend has been very draining and I am exhausted.

 

I got to see two of my friends this weekend though. Saturday we went for a late lunch and then saw a movie, Divergent. The movie was really quite good. I haven’t read the books yet, so I didn’t ruin it for myself. Then later that evening I went out for coffee.
Sunday I went out for ice cream after dinner.

It was really nice to actually sit down and chat face-to-face about what’s been going on, how I’m feeling, etc, etc.

The new medication I am on, isn’t making me feel so well again. I also feel like my body has become immune to it. My moods are dropping. My motivation and energy levels are dropping. This isn’t good.

He texted me on Saturday. I cannot discuss what the conversation about. It is way too inappropriate to share. It gave me so much anxiety, which I told him and he apologized.

My dad was at home home this weekend. Somewhere he doesn’t belong. He asked my mother if he could stay there for a few nights because he is “working” in the area. He brought a whole bunch of groceries to the house and started putting them away. That also gave me an anxiety attack.

My parents were arguing a lot this weekend, so I left to hangout with my friends. I don’t like coming home home when he is there. It’s frustrating. I don’t like him. I’d much rather just not see him, talk to him, or hear about him anymore.

I have today off and start my 5 week full-time placement tomorrow. Now that I am done my exams, I just have to do a placement, then I graduate. I got a placement within the soccer organization that I have played with my whole life. I’m excited, I guess.

Wednesday I have my doctor’s appointment. I have to discuss the side effect symptoms that have just presented themselves and the fact that I am still not sleeping well. I haven’t been sleeping well since December. Nightmares and restless nights; it’s exhausting. I also have my therapy appointment later that day. I had to skip last week. So I am ready to get back to it. Tell him everything that has been going on.

And Thursday I have my first tattoo session. I asked one of my friends to come with me for support. I have a high tolerance for pain, but I am still nervous about how it is going to feel. I’m getting a pretty elaborate tattoo on my left foot and up my leg. Apparently the foot is one of the more painful areas. So fingers crossed I make it through. Also, if I remember, I will post a picture.

I looked into some alternate therapy options. I’m not done looking. But I found this guy, who has written a few books on depression, anxiety, and phobia disorders. He has this 5 week process where he gives you homework tasks to help with your condition. It’s just another form of therapy. He had a seminar in my area and my mother went to it. Because she went, I can get this online therapy thing for free. I’ve already contacted him and will be starting soon. Not really sure what to expect.

I work tonight, but  thankfully he won’t be there this week. I know I can’t handle seeing him. I can’t even talk to him. It’s a really rough battle. I know what I want, but I also know what I need. And unfortunately they aren’t the same thing.

Talk soon.

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