Go Die In A Hole

So I lied. My bad.
My day today was busy and hectic.
Didn’t have a moment to myself until now.

I meant to wake up early, but we all knew that wasn’t happening. I think I wish I was a morning person. But I just can’t do it. It’s not possible.

Last exam ever today. Relieved my stressful week is over. Finished my big assignment and my presenation as well.

Rushed home home to get ready for my grad party.
I think I forget how pretty I am, like always.
I never wear make up, never brush my hair, throw it up in a bun every day, wear sweats and workout gear.
When I take the time for myself, I do actually look quite good. If only I had the energy, time, motivation and commitment to do that every morning.

The party wasn’t bad. I can’t drink on my new meds… So I had to stay sober while my friends got drunk. It was really hard to be around. I felt very left out. And I had a problem with excessive drinking not too long ago. I think i’ve only been about 3 weeks sober.
I wanted to dance and they weren’t interested. So I just got to sat there, bored as hell. Eventually I had to leave to be back for curfew. Everyone else got to stay and party all night. I’m a little upset about how the night’s events went down. My limitations suck. And being around people that don’t have them… Is really difficult for me.
I’m an introvert and shy. I’m not as outgoing as my friends. So I’m almost always the tag along. No one really notices me. It really fucking sucks. I don’t want to be this way. I hate being left out.
I’m a good time too…

Anyway, i’m in a sour mood. I feel like the new meds aren’t working anymore. My depression has come back strong, my anxiety is starting too. And of course, my suicidal and self harm thoughts have managed to find their way back.

I relapsed Thursday evening. My fight against my OCD wasn’t strong enough. And to top it off, he thought it would be okay to get in contact with me again.
I can’t do this. This shit is what’s hurting me.
I thought I saw progression. But now I’m just spiraling down again. I can’t go back to feeling that way. I would much rather my life taken then go back there. It’s too much pain.

Great… Now I’ve revved the engine to my anxiety. Screw off anxiety! Go die in a hole!

I’m tired and upset. So i’m going to go to bed. I’m sure i’ll have nightmares. I think I should talk to my doctor about my sleeping problems.

If I remember, I will let you in on some therapy stuff I found.

Talk soon.


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