All Over The Place

My stress level is through the roof. I’ve been on the go the past week with no time to stop and smell the flowers.
I’ve got this huge assignment plus an exam tomorrow. And neither are done.
I’ve made the decision to just go to sleep now (12:21am) and wake up at 5am tomorrow to get stuff done.

After finals, I have a 5 week full time placement to do. So I have to meet with that lady tomorrow afternoon.
Sushi lunch tomorrow! One thing to look forward to.
I also have to go home home tomorrow evening, pick out what I want to wear to my grad party and bring that “home”. Then study for my last exam friday. Oh shit… And my presentation friday morning. Ahhh!!!
Too much, just too much…

I’ve felt a bit down today. Ever since he messaged me I’ve been in a funk. This usually happens (well at a much worse degree), so hopefully within a few days it’ll pass.
Because he has been floating around my mind, my OCD is kicking in. I’m starting to get that strain to do it. And I fight because I don’t want to give in and hurt myself all over again.
I’m afraid if this doesn’t lift, I won’t be able to fight that feeling.

I had nightmares again last night, so bad I tore the sheets off my bed, again. They always have something to do with injury or death or loosing someone or something/someone bad coming for me. I usually get hurt or killed or chased a lot in my nightmares.
It causes me to wake up, then I lay there paralyzed from my nightmares until I calm down enough to fall asleep. But then I can’t get back to sleep, it’s tossing and turning.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept a solid 8 hours of peace and quiet.

I was able to book a therapy appointment next week. Thank god! I had to miss this weeks because i’ve been so busy.
I’ve also got that follow up with the doctor and my tattoo appointment.

I’m seriously not looking forward going back to work and seeing him. I try to keep it out of my mind for now, but I know it’s coming…

Oh, I had my practical evaluaton, aced it! Super proud… Well I was for a moment, then I was over it.
The exam today was difficult, I really hope I passed at least. But I think I needed to have done well to pass the class…. We’ll see.

I was so nervous in my practical today. I had to wear a t-shirt… So my scars showed on my wrists. I was embarassed, I know they could see. I tried to put it aside and focus.

There’s a free 5 week online program for depression and anxiety I found. I’m going to try it out. I’m also still looking for support groups to try and programs at the hospitals. I’ve been busy, so more research will have to be done on the weekend when I have a minute to breathe.

I haven’t done my relaxation methods in a while. I feel guilty about that. But I do take little moments out of my day to notice my breath (which was homework last week and this week for me).

I gotta rise and shine in 4 hours.

Talk soon.

P.s. I feel like I have an attention disorder. I’m all over the place in my posts.


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