It’s 12:43am (not as late as it usually is *high fives self*) and I’m “home” just lying in bed cuddling next to my favorite stuffed animal (he’s a red hippo).
I’m quite tired today. I think it’s been from the stress of school.
Oh, who am I kidding? It’s probably from the stress of my damn life.
I’m sleeping. But still not well. I honestly must have insomnia, I’ve got to check it out. It’s hard to fall asleep, then I wake myself up from a nightmare or pain I’m in or discomfort or noises I hear. Then good luck getting back to sleep. It’s restless from then on. I have had big bags under my eyes for quite some time.
After my exam tomorrow at 11am. I’ve got my follow up with my doctor. My headaches and nausea haven’t been present the past couple of days. But the one thing I do notice is some digestion trouble. So I will have to bring that up with the Doc.
My second exam today went fine. Not too good, not to bad. Right inbetween. It was a little more difficult than the morning exam.
After getting back, I made myself some food (didn’t like what was here for dinner), watched some True Blood while I ate, did my chore for this evening, then cracked down on the books.
I took some breaks, surfed the internet (the usual, Facebook, Tumblr, WordPress).
I slowly started falling asleep. (studying in bed, probably isn’t the most beneficial). So I basically gave up for the night. I have to set my alarm for a little earlier tomorrow so I can get some more cramming in.
He texted me again, asking me how my exam went. I kept it brief and to the point, “it went well, how was work”. He said it was alright and asked if I would be coming back next week to my regular shifts. I said yes. And that was the extent of the conversation.
Half of me is jumping for joy, because I fucking miss him!
But the other half is overwhelmed with anxiety and later to be depression because he got in contact.
I tried so hard to keep on this straight and narrow path. But unfortunately I don’t have strong enough superpowers to withstand him.
It definitely has put me in a more depressed state this evening. The contact makes me think of the past. All the pain I was going through, what he did to me. It’s just too much. I am nowhere near strong enough yet.
Thinking about anything that relates to him (which is a lot) makes me spiral back down fast. It’s really hard to stop myself. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions are overwhelming.
With him contacting me, it brings the possibility of relapse (my OCD). It’s a really scary thought. Like actually terrifying.
Spiders, heights, clowns, relapsing. Oh my!
Going to bed.