Deep Breath and Relax

I was supposed to go to school today. I didn’t make it. I woke up feeling crappy again. My headaches have been the worst symptom from the new medication. The nausea and shakes are on and off.

So instead, today I stayed in bed (with the lights off) and watched movies and tv shows. I finished Wilfred. And now I’m starting to watch True Blood from the beginning again.

Little fun fact, about 4 years ago I made a homemade Sookie Stakehouse costume for halloween. Although no one knew who I was, I thought it was pretty damn awesome!

If I remember, I will post a link or picture in tomorrow’s post. Just in case you aren’t familiar with True Blood.

I didn’t eat much today, just wasn’t feeling up to it.

I was also supposed to meet with my case manager this morning. That didn’t happen… I feel guilty about it.

I’m trying really hard to fight my OCD. And it’s causing a huge amount of anxiety. It’s insane how intense the feeling is. It’s literally like an addiction, and I’m fighting to get my fix. I used some immediate breathing techniques and distraction strategies. They worked. But I’m actually terried when the anxiety comes. I’m afraid it’s going to torture me like it has in the past. And I’m so scared to go back, I panic.
I think why I’ve been so successful with this is because in the moment, I’m more terrified of the physical anxiety than what I’m actually worried about.

*deep breath*

I’ve got final exams next week. So I’m stressing about those. I’ll probably be spending a lot of my time studying.
I’ve also got my grandma’s birthday… So I have to reunite with the family again.
And I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. My mouth guard (for sleeping) is done. So I get to go pick that up. Because of all the stress and anxiety and blah, blah, blah, I’ve been grinding my teeth at night.

I’ve been getting really great support from people I never imagined I’d be getting support from.
One old friend I’ve known since Kindergarden contacted me about a week ago. He’s been an amazing listener and he checks in every day, a few times a day to see how I’m holding up.
A guy who I was never really friends with in high school contacted me on Tuesday to see how I was doing. We’ve been talking every day. And he has really been open to listening to all my struggles and all the wrong choices I’ve made. And simply because he is currently recovering from a lot of what I’m going through. He can share the exact same pain. And for that, I am grateful. I feel so misunderstood. Everyone thinks I’m weird and crazy and screwed up.
I’m really frustrated with all those people who have given up on me because they don’t understand.
They clearly don’t understand anything. They don’t even know how to handle a situation properly. What flows through your mind when you think the appropriate response to my situation would be to walk away from it? Are you freaking stupid?
Also… Do you honestly believe I chose to put myself here? No? Then why do you think I can just get up and walk away!?

Ahhh!! It frustrates me!

*deep breath*

I’m also thankful for the support I’ve gotten through WP and FB. Having people to talk to that understand by having gone through some similar paths is a great relief. I’ve gotten some ideas, suggestions, and advice that I am going to look into this weekend.

I’m not able to see my therapist next week, which really sucks. I’m really hoping I’ll be okay without talking to him. I’m also finding that our once a week sessions aren’t enough. I’m just not making it through the week. I need something else. So from some suggestions, I’m going to look into some programs in and outside of the surrounding hospitals (regular and mental health hospital) and group therapy sessions.

Before this semester started at school (January) I had to make a big decision on whether or not to go back. I was really struggling at this point and had already missed two weeks of school. I made the decision to stay with the support from my friends. They didn’t want to see me leave. But they supported whatever decision I would make.
I didn’t want to give up, this is my last semester and I graduate in April. The end was so close, I couldn’t leave. Plus if I did, I don’t know if I would make it back. Not because I don’t love the program I’m in. But because I don’t like school. I need a break.

Somedays I wish I refunded so I could focus all my time and energy into getting better. But other days I’m glad I didn’t.

Arms are still getting better, I haven’t reopened anything. My naval piercing (belly button) is getting itchy, so I think it’s finally healing well. And the cartilage piercing in my ear never got infected or anything. It’s always been good. I’ve got my tattoo session coming up soon. March 27th or something like that. It’s written down somewhere.

The girls where I’m living range from ages 16-21. There is this younger girl who has been really annoying lately. She is constantly on the phone, raising her voice so everyone can hear her. So much drama and gossip.
Today I noticed she was very quiet. (I left my room for a few moments to get a drink) then I noticed what she wanted me to notice. The bandage around her forearm. She was showing it off like some trophy. It annoyed me, I made my assumptions. I went back to my room. Later I came back to the kitchen to try some soup. And viola! There she was, with the bandaged removed, her sleeve rolled up (only on that side), to show off the cuts on her arm. She was purposely putting her arm in stupid positions so people could obviously notice. I don’t know what kind of joke she is trying to pull, but it’s not funny.

So far I only know of one other who struggles with self-harm through cutting. They don’t show it off. We are both guilty and prefer to keep it hidden as much as possible. It’s nothing to be proud of and it’s nothing to be waving around and showing off.

I know she is just looking for attention, and I don’t appreciate the way she has gone about it.

*deep breath*

Although I slept well into the day, and lazed in bed all day. I’m still tired. Hopefully no nightmares tonight.

Talk soon.


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