Poop.

Poop. That’s all I have to say.

Also, I just smashed my phone on the ground.

I got the letter today from my doctor to prove those new meds are infact mine. So I was able to take my meds today. I got a headache, the shakes, and nausea today. But powered through, I had shit to do.
Later this evening I went to a theatre show with a friend. It was very funny. I’m glad I got out and did something.

I had to battle through some triggers today. It was tough, and I think I failed most times. But i’m still here, still breathing.

My arms are healing, and therefore itchy as hell. I don’t want to scratch and reopen anything.

Thoughts of him are making me depressed right now. Also being alone with no one to talk to. I have problems…

I’m pretty sure i’ve developed OCD from all of this. I was too afraid to admit it to myself. But my doctor really debriefed my situation. I’m also paranoid.
But on the plus side, no voices other than mine in my head.

Although somedays I think whether or not its best if I were to go to the looney bin.
(i understand that is offensive) Somedays I just feel so out of my mind, almost crazy and out of control. Is that where I belong?

I am very caught up in my head and my life just seems to pass on by. And this is obviously not by choice. I want to be able to “live” again. But my mind and body have put restrictions on my happiness. They don’t allow for much.

I’m lonely. I wish I had someone (particularly him) to share my life with again. In a perfect world, I would have my own life back. The house we owned, our children (cat). I want it back.

Argh! Now i’m all anxiety ridden again.

image

My mind won’t let me be. I wish I could forget everything. If I can’t have it back, I don’t want to remember ever having it.
But I know that’s not how life works. Life likes to rub it in your face, torture you with it.
I’ve got a long road ahead of me.
I’m putting all my faith in the new medication.
Otherwise, I may not make it to my destination.
On those really bad days… I can’t stand to be myself. It’s a difficult thing to deal with. I have the worst self confidence, I have the worst self critic. I’m always putting myself down. And when I get in moods where I feel even more worthless and i’ve got no life in the future, maybe you can begin to understand why I come to conclusions of self-harm and suicide.

I’ve got a long road ahead if I can keep up with it. I can only take a day at a time. Actualy not even, I take hours at a time. Its easier.
Looking too far into the future, causes too much anxiety.
Also with the past.
I have to try to focus on the present, but not the reality present (cause that’s shit too). The direct present. My breath, the sounds, what I see, what I smell, what I feel.

Talk soon.

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