Today has been a shit awful day.
I woke up not feeling well. I had a bad headache and felt nauseas.
Too bad I didn’t realize my day would only get worse from this point forward.
Because I wasn’t feeling good, I didn’t go to my therapy session. Instead we held the session over the phone.
After the session all hell broke loose. He contacted me. I lost it (as I always do). My anxiety came on strong and my depression hit me like a brick wall. I couldn’t handle it. I exploded into this fit of emotion. I was contemplating ways to end my life. Making plans.
I’ve thought about suicide many times before. (I am now). But this is only the second time I have tried. The first time was not that long ago. The night I went to the shelter. I attempted an OD. And I clearly didn’t take enough to seriously hurt myself. I guess tylenol, sleep meds, alcohol and marijuana doesn’t do the trick.
Today was the second time I tried again. Although this time was different, I didn’t physically do anything besides have my anxiety attacks. But I made a plan in my head and was going to go through with it. My anxiety attacks stopped me. I couldn’t leave my room in that state. And my plan involved talking to the staff for my meds (so I had to look okay, and I clearly was not).
I can’t even begin to describe that inner body want, need, drive, push. Whatever you want to call it. It is so strong. Obviously strong enough for me to act on it.
I stayed in my room all day, fighting my anxiety and depression. Well not really fighting. I gave in before it even started. It’s always a losing battle.
After hours in my room crying, hyperventilating, hoping to die. I came out at dinner and did work on the computer here. I then ate dinner, talked to some girls. I made it look like I was perfectly fine. Even when the staff asked how I was, I said great.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I am not okay! I am so far from okay!
Do I not want to let people help? Do I not want to let people in? Do I just want to give up and die? (well yes… But I would hope I would let someone help me.)
I did laundry, and showered. Got rid of the ever growing forest that were my legs.
Then at curfew I went to my room, opened my laptop to watch Wilfred and then just layed into my arms with everything I had in me.
I understand I have a problem. But what am I supposed to do? I have a very severe condition. I cannot do things on my own. I’m not in the right mind to be responsible for myself. I need help. I need support. I need someone to talk to. Anything, i’ll take anything. Because right now I have nothing.
No one cares enough to help me through my pain. Or to listen to my woes. I’ve always had a huge problem being open and honest with anyone. I was very closed off and pretended like I was okay. Swept all my problems under the rug. I never dealt with my emotions. Now that people want me to be open and honest. I have been. I’ve told these people about the anxiety, the depression, the rebeliousness, the weed, the alcohol, the abuse of these things, the cutting, the thoughts and attempts at suicide. I told them because they wanted me to, they asked for it. I never wanted to. But I had to start letting people in to help.
Well guess what, it fucking backfired. I knew this would happen. This is why I don’t tell people things. Why I hide from people. I do not like causing other people discomfort. The people that claimed they were trying to help me, lost it. They left me. Stopped helping, stopped caring.
Now I am by myself on this completely. My suffering (which is not under my control) has caused everyone to turn away from me.
I’m pretty sure this is not how you treat me (someone with a mental illness) or this situation.
You don’t walk away from someone that is suffering, someone in so much pain they are inflicting more pain on themselves to escape, someone who wants to end their life.
That shows me that you don’t care. Everyone has walked out of my life after I’ve been completely honest with them (against my will, I did what they asked for).
I thought I had some people, some people that cared for me. But no, i’ve been lying to myself.
Can people not see why I want to end my life? Can they not take the time to step into my shoes? Can they not take the time for me?
I guess not…
My life is nothing but loss, disappointment, depression, fear, fatigue, and the sorts. I’ve never been this low before in my life. I’ve never had to deal with any of this.
And I am not about to start now. I and no one else deserves to be treated this way or deserve to feel this way. This is so uncredibly unfair.
None of this was my fault. Everyone around me put all their shit on me and now i’ve developed this serious problem. And now these shit dumpers won’t help.
YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME SHIT DUMPERS!
I want to scream, I want to run, I want to get high, I want to cut, I want to stop feeling, I want to stop breathing, I would really like to die.
I don’t care to be here anymore. There is nothing for me here. Nothing at all. I’m not leaving anyone behind. No one will give a shit. Who knows? Maybe they will actually be happy.
My burdens will no longer bother then anymore. They will.no longer have to hear about my pain and suffering and pretend like they care.
You’re welcome again, you’re free. Free of your duties.
I think i’m tired. But there will be no sleeping for me tonight. I am way too caught up in my depression and suicidal thoughts to do anything besides these two things.
I don’t have control over this. They come and go as they please. They always over stay their welcome.
Today, they have clogged the drain in my head. They let me drown in it.
I’m so done suffering. I cannot take it anymore.