Maybe There’s Hope After All

After last night I was expecting today to be an emotionally rough day. But for some reason, I woke up this morning feeling content. I did have a headache, but i’ll take that. Thank you.
I made some breaky, got ready for the day and packed my bag to go. I spoke to my case manager before leaving. I have to meet with her Thursday to discuss future living arrangments and my finances.

Both morning classes were cancelled so I got to sleep in. I had a doctors appointment this morning too. After waiting forever (which I always have to do), I finally got in to see her. We discussed a month ago that if I still wasn’t feeling well we would discuss antidepressants. Do that’s exactly what we did. She asked me a lot of questions, explained to me the process, and what not to do while on the medication (alcohol, weed). She gave me a sample of Cipralex and an appointment to come back next week to see if we need to change the medication or if we can continue with this. Up until this point, I was only ever given Ativan for my anxiety attacks. Cipralex is used to treat depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder. So *fingers crossed* this does the trick. I have some hope that it will. Doctors really know how to sell it.

I took one immediately to start today’s dose. Then I walked to school (doctor’s office is right next to campus) and went to find a quiet place to work on an assignment. Then I went to class, which was boring. I payed no attention and did more of my assignment. We got out early and my friends drove me “home”. I got back, gave my meds to the staff (since they have to hold all that stuff while i’m here), and then finished my assignment.

The rest of the night involved watching TV, talking to some girls, and having a shower.

The large portion of my assignments are done, it is nice to relax and get a moment for myself. Although.. It does leave more room for my brain to conjure up stupid memories and thoughts.
I managed today and tonight.

I had two people reach out to me today, which made me feel cared for. These people I haven’t seen since high school (2 years ago) and even then I wasn’t even friends with them. We just happened to be in the same graduating class.

But one of them… We talked and he has the same conditions as I do and almost the same “problems”. I haven’t been able to talk to someone like this. People have been here for me. But no one has been able to understand. It makes me feel better when someone knows exactly what i’m going through. All the pain, discomfort, suffering. They know because they’ve been through it.

I don’t have school tomorrow. More cancelled classes. So i’m going to sleep in. Possibly meet a friend for lunch. Then take the bus home (home home). We have to go out tomorrow night to this thing. So… Hopefully things go smoothly and I can get back here without any fights or arguments.

Lying in bed and looking back on my day…. I feel a sense of relief. Maybe it’s because the severity of last night and then being okay today. The big change of my emotional status might be what’s making me feel content.

This usually happens. I’ll be okay. Then something will happen and trigger my anxiety attacks, then everything will hit me like a wall of bricks. And I fall back into the harming myself, suicide shit all over again. It’s a horrible cycle. But i’m going to give these meds a go, and just hope for the best.

Although… I tend to take things too far. Because my hope is for a miracle. And I don’t think medication works like that.

I do feel tired, so I am going to close my eyes, and hopefully get a good nights sleep. I find by being here, I rarely get those awful nightmares.
I used to get them every night. I couldn’t sleep at all.
So i’m glad that’s over, for now anyway.
Damn… I better not have just jinxed myself.

Talk soon.


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