Fuckin’ hell. I’ve managed to make myself incredibly sick. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why must my brain do these horrible things to me.
I’m violantly vomiting for no reason. I didn’t eat anything bad, I didn’t push my body beyond its breaking piont… Memories, fear, loss, depression, anxiety, hopelessness has caused me to be sick.
My must I be the only one that suffers? I didn’t do this to myself, I didn’t put myself in this situation. Why can’t other people suffer- the people responsible.
This isn’t fair!
I hate my life!
I’m mad, upset, depressed, tired… I’m just fucking everything!
I want it to be over, I want it to stop!
I hate feeling like this. Everytime this happens, I drop back down to square one.
All the progress I’ve made, my more OK days…. Everything is gone.
I’ve hit rock bottom again. I’m sick and tired of being here.
Wanting to hurt myself and end my life because of the pain.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore!
I want to scream to the world. I want everyone to hear me.
I need people to know I’m not OK.
I need all the help I can get.
Maybe eventually, I will find the cure I need.
That’s what I’ve been looking for.
I haven’t harmed myself in a while. I’ve managed to always stop myself. Even with the overwhelming feeling of need. Sort of like the feeling smokers get- the addiction.
Right now, I have that need. Along with wanting to get really high. I need things that will take my pain away, even if its only for a moment. A moment is better than not at all.