All I Want

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I couldn’t sleep until 5am. Not only was I deep in my own struggles, but there was a lot going on in other people’s rooms as well.

I don’t think it’s healthy- the way I feel about bringing harm to myself in any manner. But I’m stuck. I don’t know how else to feel. I honestly believe if I go to far, it will make me feel better. And it does, but then I run the risk of “addiction.” A short term solution that is available to me. It’s hard to explain in words exactly how I feel because I’m not so sure myself. I think only people who have experienced this will understand what I mean.

He told me once that people inflict physical pain on themselves for attention and that is the only reason why. I had a huge argument with him about this. Sometimes he can be extremely stubborn and not open minded. I’ve told him this and he doesn’t believe me. But that right there is proof. Somebody can’t take constructive criticism. Anyhow… I tried explaining to him how that is not only the case. Because that is not my case, not at all. I try so hard to hide it from people. I am not proud and I know the negative stereotypes that come along with it. And I don’t want people thinking those things about me. (I have a difficult time with people’s perceptions of me). I do it to escape the mental and emotional pain. The pain we can’t do anything about. Physical pain distracts my brain from what I am going through. I don’t know if it is considered a good or bad thing in this case… but I have a high tolerance for physical pain. I think this is one of the reasons why I continue to do it. The battle within my brain is torture and as I’ve said before, I will do anything I can to get away from it.

I’m not sure if having to deal, feel and look at what I’ve done causes me more distress. I’m not sure if I am still stuck in my depressed rut or if it is because of last nights events. Maybe a bit of both? What I do know though is that I would really like to get high right now. Try to forget about my life and numb myself from all the emotion. I don’t know if I will continue in my unhealthy activity tonight. I feel very low, no motivation for anything. I am actually very surprised that I am able to write. I think this is the only thing I am capable of. Literally all I want is to curl up in my warm bed, get high and hurt myself, and maybe listen to some music while doing all of this. This is all I want right now. Short term solutions to my depression.

Talk soon.

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