After a slow night at work yesterday, my mom drove me back “home”. I grabbed a little bit of the dinner they had earlier as a late night snack. I sat in the dining room and watched Wilfred. I used to watch it with him. And I find it comforting, even if it hurts sometimes.
I only got to watch one episode, because two other girls came to sit down at the table with me. Out of courtesy I took out my headphones. It turned into a huge chat that lasted the rest of the night until curfew. Up until last night, I haven’t really made it a point to come out of my comfort zone and interact with anyone else. But last night was really nice.
Curfew was midnight and we went our separate ways then. I was going to watch some more Wilfred but ended up watching some YouTube videos instead. Because my week was really busy, I didn’t manage to get a lot of sleep, so I was pretty tired after getting into bed. After a few videos, I put my one of my meditation recordings on to help focus on my breath and calm myself down before sleeping. I didn’t make it far because I ended up just falling asleep. I woke up at 5am in the same position I passed out in. I turned off the recording (that was playing on repeat the last four hours) and went back to sleep.
I woke up at 1pm today. Feeling very unmotivated to get out of bed. I did though because I really had to pee. Then I went into the kitchen and made myself two egg sandwiches. Then I watched Wilfred while I ate them. After that I went to have a shower and got ready and packed my bag.
My mom picked me up not much longer after that. We had dinner. Now I am spending time on the internet since I can’t access the internet back at the… place. I have to use my phone for internet access and you can only do so much. I can post on my phone, but it is really annoying. Small screen, having to text to write a message. It doesn’t scream, go write.
I wrote at work when I wasn’t feeling well. Very anxious and depressed. I wrote out exactly how I was feeling. But then I also wrote poetry, I guess you could call it. I find it a good way to express myself, even if I’m not good at it. I put up a page, “Expression Through Words”, where I will post some of the stuff I write. Whether that be poetry, song lyrics I enjoy, straight up rants. Anything like that. It is just another way of expressing myself. Which, in the long run, will be good for me.
I get big waves of relief when I get to read other posts from some of the blogs I follow. Knowing that other people are struggling in the same ways as I… well is really sad and depressing and I wish I could do everything in my power to stop that from happening but… makes me more relieved.
One symptom that comes along with depression and anxiety is feeling like you are completely alone. Like you are the only one feeling this way, that no one understands, no one has been through what you are going through, you will never get through it.
Now although I can realize this in better spirits, does not mean I don’t still feel this way. I still feel like this a lot. I constantly have a dark cloud over my head and some days it pours rain and other days the sun peaks through. But the clouds are always there.
Back to what I was saying… It makes me feel less alone, some times it can pull me out of my extremely depressed state into a not so severe state. The power of social media and being able to reach out to complete strangers is amazing. Weird and overwhelming at times. But in this case, it is very uplifting. And to those who write about their struggles through life, I hear ya. Don’t ever feel bad about writing about how you truly feel. Don’t feel like you are burdening others (I have a hard time with this). It honestly does help- well… it honestly does help me.
Tonight will consist of going back “home”, eating, maybe talking to some of the girls if they are there and watching TV on my computer. I’ve also been using the internet to download a crap load of stuff for myself. I also think I am going to try that relaxation method again tonight. Hopefully I don’t fall asleep again.
I’m not sure if I can upload the audio for it here. I will have to look into that.
I’m not sure if I will post anything later. If not, I will tomorrow.