Okay, so I finally found a free moment.
I guess I left off the night I got to the shelter. That was early Saturday morning. I am still there, I have my own room. I’ve been home a few times to grab more clothes and school work. The few times I went home, I fought with my mom. She now knows where I am. She is upset about it, but obviously can’t do much about it. So she has left it be.
There is 24h staff who are all very nice. A kitchen stocked with food. I can cook anything whenever I want to. We get dinners brought by the mission every week day. I have a chore every day of the week but Sundays. There is TV and computers to use. All in all, not such a bad place to be. I didn’t really have many expectations going into it.
I have to take the bus everywhere now, but the shelter (which I don’t like calling it that) is right on a university campus, so there is a big bus station right down the street. I am able to get home, get to school and get to therapy perfectly fine.
I went to therapy on Monday, I had to tell him where I was and how I got there and just a brief update on my week. We talked about my scenario for a bit, made sure I was “okay” and safe and all that, then got into business. The usual chatting about my depression and anxiety and the triggers and my thoughts and feelings. We practiced another relaxation breathing method, which really helped calmed me down. I have a few others I can do, I just find it difficult to do alone. My mind is spinning with depressing thoughts and it is very hard to escape. I have a constant dark rain cloud over my head and I rarely see sun rays let alone the sun at all.
I also had to work Monday night where I saw him. It was difficult, as it always is. I try to stay calm, but my heart and stomach are fluttering around like crazy. I am nervous. I am scared. I have all these feelings, emotions, thoughts, perspectives, and words that I feel the need to share with him. And I can’t. Every time I try to communicate, I fuck it up. I don’t understand how you can care and love someone so much to share and spend your life with someone to end it at the drop of a hat when that someone is going through a rough time. How can you kick someone to the curb? I constantly tell myself it was all a lie. I wasted all that time, energy, love, compassion, care. I hate myself, I hate him, I hate my situation, I hate my life, I hate the world. I don’t want to keep doing this.
He walked into my life because he was interested in me. Now that all these feelings have grown inside me, he throws me out. At a time where I need him the most. My rock, the one person who loves, cares, and supports me like no one ever has or ever will.
I don’t think he realizes what he has done. I feel as though he is running away from his problems. This is not how you treat someone that means the world to you. This is not how you treat someone suffering from depression and anxiety, whether they are a complete stranger or not.
It literally makes me go insane when I get into thinking like this. All the unknown and all the confusion and all the emotion. I can’t handle it, I want to scream. Scream forever, cry forever. Until it is all gone. Everything is gone.
I was forced out my house, out my life, and out of my family. Does he honestly think we were just this fling now? What has happened to his brain? He would have never treated me like this. I don’t understand where any of this is coming from. Does he not realize we were a family in every sense. We had our home, we had our family, we had our life. You cannot just dump me onto someone else to deal with. FUCK! I WANT TO SCREAM TO THE WORLD. I want everyone to hear me. It is so frustrating I want to cry.
I want my home, family, and life back. NOW! And I won’t settle for anything less. I am allowed these things. They are just as much mine, as anyone else’s life is to them. This is so incredibly unfair and inhumane. Could I take legal action?
I am at school. I’ve had a few assignments the past few days. Final exams are around the corner. I am getting a little stressed.
I am feeling a little numb, like I suppress as much as possible in order to get things done. And while I am “home” (home=shelter for now) I suppress how I am doing too. I get assigned a case manager, who I met this morning before I left. She helps with any services I might need. I chose counseling (so more therapy) and houseing (she will help me find a more permanent place to live). There is no limit for where I am now, but it is more of a temporary place.
I am really hungry, so I am going to go look for some food.