I left Tim’s, got in my car, warmed it up because it was freezing. Started driving.
Where you might ask? I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know.
I ended up at a diner downtown, it is open 24h.
Here is my lovely chocolate milkshake, which tastes divine.
I still don’t know what to do. I am confused.
I am physically calm now, probably from the drugs (tylenol, alcohol, marijuana, ativan)
But when I think about my pain, or think about the triggers, or think about the past, present, and future, it really mentally hurts. My mood goes from bad to worse.
In my calm state, I don’t have the motivation, drive, energy, need to do it. I have all that drive and want when I am not calm; when my anxiety is through the roof; when I am not getting high or drunk or harming myself. But my behavior isn’t healthy, so these solutions aren’t acceptable. I like doing them because they make me feel better. Through distraction, and physically lowering my brain functioning.
I have reading material (the book I am currently on, my anxiety book and a few comic books) and my laptop with some TV shows.
I think I will watch some Glee then order something for Breaky.
I still don’t know how to feel or think about the decision I am facing.
I’ll keep ya posted.