To Sin: To Live A Life Not Worth Living

Still no sleeping happening. My mind is racing. I’m stuck between fits of crying. I can’t stop thinking about all the thoughts and reasons why I am so unhappy and depressed.

My life is gone. It has been ripped from me in the most cruel of ways. My home is gone, my family is gone, my life is gone.
I can no longer live at home, my home where I lived with my family, where I made a life for myself, where I invested my life, where I started my life. My home that was safe and made me happy. My home that was equally mine. My life, the life I want back, the life I deserve to live, the life that is mine, that I made.

I can’t go on living without my home and my family, my happiness. I need my life back.

Who deserves having their own privilaged life taken from them? With no choice and no ability to reclaim it.

I can’t keep living like this. In a house I didn’t create, with a family I didn’t create, in a place with people I don’t have memories for.

I so desperately want my life back. I would do anything.

The hardest part of it, is knowing no matter how hard I try and all the things I do… It will never be the same. And I dont ever see me getting my life back, my home back, my family back.

This feeds the monsters and demons inside of me, holding me down and chained. Keeping me depressed, keeping me crippled with anxiety.

I don’t want to live a life that’s not worth living. And whatever this is right now, is not worth it in any way. None of what I was forcefully given is anywhere close to what I need and want.

I refuse to accept any of it and I refuse to get used to it. This is not my life, my home, or my family.

I am not religious in any manner. But I would pray every day to every God if it would bring me my life back. I would do anything. Even give my life to Death if I could get it back. This so called life I am living now, isn’t even mine to give. I would have to take it myself.

My life is my life, just as much as my home is my home and my family is my family. They just are. That’s what they are, the definition of who they are. And they will forever be that. And they will forever be the only thing I need and want.

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