So the things I wanted to get done this morning never happened, as per usual. I wanted to wake up early, shove motivation down my throat and get to school.
I couldn’t get to sleep until 5am. And I kept waking up after then as well from nightmares. So naturally when my alarm went off at 10am, I promptly shut it off and went back to bed. Deciding I would wake back up in time to get the bus to my class today. That time came and went; I was still very tired and couldn’t find it in me to get my ass out of bed. I lied in bed for a little bit longer but found no peace in lying there. My mind was racing with the nightmares I just had.
I found enough energy within me to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. This helped me get the little bit of motivation I needed to “start” my day. I have assignments to get done for tomorrow (three) and naturally I have started none of them. I wanted to go to school this morning before class to start them. But I couldn’t do it this morning.
I got dressed, brushed my teeth, threw on some deodorant, packed up my school work, checked the bus schedule and walked out my front door. The rural bus to get me to the bigger bus station wasn’t coming for two hours, so I had a nice brisk walk to the mall to get on the bus that would take me to school.
But in fact, I didn’t go to school. I am sitting in the lobby of his apartment building. The stop for his place is on the way to school, and I got off. I have a large weakness when it comes to this. I don’t think there is ever once where I didn’t give in to him. I can’t help myself. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. And needless to say, I am not coping well with it at all. Actually, I think I choose not to cope with it, because it hurts even more to try to get rid of the pain. Some evil part of me wants it; it wants to stay with me. It can’t let it go. If I lose it, I lose myself completely.
Okay so, that went horribly wrong, in every way imaginable. He really doesn’t give two shits about me anymore. I am so glad I wasted my life on someone that treats me like I am nothing. I am worthless, I am no good, I am weak, I am stupid, I am nothing.
I can’t do this anymore. I balled my eyes out in public on the bus on my way back. I am a huge embarrassment. I don’t know why life has decided to pick me to torture, but he has for some reason. Clearly I don’t see why I deserve it, but I must. I must have done something, or represent something that I need to be punished for.
I am no longer worthy of life. I have had everything ripped away from me. Nothing is ever going to work out, I am hopeless. And I am very done.
I already thought about how I will do it. The plan is set, now just to wait until I can leave peacefully, with no disruptions. During this time, I will write words to the people I need to and plan for what needs to be done when I am gone.
I believe no one deserves to live like this. And I certainly can’t anymore. It is way too much for me to begin wrapping my head around anything. It has taken my life already. I don’t even know what I am doing here. I am a huge waste of space, of money, of people’s time. I am worth nothing.
I have lost.