Sleepless Night

Immediately after signing off and curling into bed.. BAM!.. Panic attack, straight out of nowhere.

I hyperventilated and cried and did my usual thing for a while. And eventually calmed myself down through distraction.

Why do we have to suffer?

I scanned some other posts and came across a few I really enjoyed. And not because of how depressing they were, but because I can relate. And that brings me a great deal of relief.

The post I reblogged prior to this makes a lot of sense to me and I feel the same way about the topic. And on a sidenote, I also liked the creativity.

I enjoy other perspectives and opinions that are not my own. I feel as though a majority of the time, other people’s words are the one’s I can’t seem to scramble together to get out what I want to say.

Sometimes on nights were I don’t sleep, I wonder if it would be better to not sleep at all. Sure the day to come would be rough, but then maybe, just maybe, I would be able to fall asleep at an appropriate time, stay asleep through the night, wake up at a reasonable time, and hope that cycle would keep up.

My sleep cycle now… Isn’t even a cycle. It is very scattered and all over the place. It usually ends up with me not being able to sleep until some early time in the morning (4am), being woken up by nightmares several times (I literally watch each hour pass by everytime I wake up in a panic), finding it excruciatingly hard to fall back asleep, continuing that cycle a few more times, then finally either hearing my alarm go off a few hours after getting to sleep the first time or continuing this horrible pattern well into the afternoon.
And of course when that happens, I cant get to sleep at a reasonable hour when I wake up at 3pm.

I feel like there will never be a solution to my sleeping problem. Even when I get up early and have four very restless hours of sleep, I still cannot manage to fall asleep early. Even when I am more exhausted than my usual exhausted self.

This makes it very hard for me to do much with my days. I barely go to school. I don’t know how I am still passing, but I am.
I have very low energy, I’m weak, unmotivated, in physical pain, feel sick a lot of the time (nausea, sometimes vomiting).

I wish there were solutions, I struggle every day. I honestly don’t know how much my body can take.

I also wish I was alone on this front. I wish I was the only person ever that had to deal with anxiety, panic, depression, insomnia, ptsd… And all the baggage that comes along with it. It upsets me to know other people are in as much or even more pain than I.

It’s not right or fair in any way.

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