Waking up this morning, like almost every morning, was tough. I’m constantly in a state of exhaustion. No matter how much I sleep or how little I sleep or how much exercise I get or how little I get. I am just always tired.
I am disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal today. To post more than once. It’s frustrating when you can’t push yourself or be motivated enough to do something. If anything, it bring me down even more. To know I can’t accomplish anything. It makes me feel worthless and even more of a failure. Every day I wake up just to get pushed back under by the days events. And most times it has nothing to do with what is going around me, it is the internal struggle with myself.
I am certainly not trying to throw any kind of pity party here. I just hate that I have found no permanent solution to my problems. Life is bringing me down every day. I don’t know how much further I can go, but the start of every day shows me again and again how much further there is to go.
I feel invisible and numb every day. Like I am just riding along. Doing what I am supposed to, what is expected of me. I do just enough to keep people off my back. It really frustrates me when people that know that I am struggling ask how I am. What do you expect, that I miraculously “healed” over night? You know I am going through hell, I don’t need the reminder or it rubbed in my face that I am clearly not doing okay.
I saw this photo today and I am not sure what to make of it. The quote from John Green sounds wonderful. But in the eyes of someone suffering it just sounds like a load of crap. Like no one quite understands.
A lot of people tell me some sort of rendition of this quote. It sounds different coming from different people. But what I take away from it is the same with each person. Which is that they just don’t understand. Leading me to believe I am here alone and going through this alone, in turn making it that much more difficult for me.
Hmm.. I just had a thought.
Don’t we always expect this sort of response in this sort of situation? What would happen if we got the response we are looking for. For someone to tell us what we are telling ourselves, that things won’t ever get better. How would we take that? How would that make us feel?
I don’t know what to do with my time anymore, I really enjoy watching shows and movies and reading books. I got into The Game of Thrones recently, watched all three seasons in a few days. And naturally, I’m hooked and stuck waiting for more.
Christ, why do I get these sudden urges of anxiety? It’s awful. I feel like I might die. GAH! Going to take anti-anxiety medication, then meditate.. therapist’s orders.
7 minutes later…
Nope, fuck this. It ain’t happening. I can’t focus on my breath, my mind keeps going to other places. And keeping my anxiety levels through the roof. What to do, what to do…
Sometimes I get scared of having an anxiety attack, which gives me anxiety because I am worrying about having an attack and then I go into one. So it is a vicious cycle. But I’m scared because I don’t want to have a really intense one. I have them every so often and it is like hitting rock bottom every time. It can be hard to explain and again only people who have been there would know exactly what I mean. But your body works itself up so much that you physically feel like you might die even though you are perfectly fine. And the anxiety running through the thoughts in your mind make it that much worse because you can’t escape. Your trapped in this space filled with darkness and negativity and it just keeps getting worse. It builds and builds until it gets what it wants. And that is defeat. You give up. You give up trying to fight and give in to the thoughts and horrible pain. You believe there is nothing good in this world for you. You are useless and worthless. You have no future. You are completely alone. There is no point in your existence. This usually leads to a few places for me. Rebellion, cutting, and/or suicidal attempts. I am not proud of my choices what so ever, but at this low, I don’t have it in me to care about anything. I would prefer anything over how I feel. Rebellion usually consists of drinking at inappropriate times of the day, getting high, and going places where I probably am not permitted to be. Cutting is self explanatory. I know how horrible it is, I can’t tell anyone about it because of the great deal of shame I have. During really intense panic attacks, I get this overwhelming need to harm myself. I feel as though if I do it and cause myself other pain, that this current pain will go away. And it usually does, but it is a very short term solution to the problem. And it isn’t even a proper solution. It is quite hard to hide it from people, but I am so ashamed that I do everything I can. I have never attempted suicide. It is a very scary thought to me, I just know that sometimes I would prefer it. And I think about it a lot and what would hurt the least, what would be the easiest way, what would be the last words to the people I care about. I frighten myself because I know this is what I am considering doing, but I don’t think I ever could. It would take so much commitment, and I don’t have it in me.
Although I am constantly tired, I still have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep and going back to sleep. I wake up in panics a lot during the night, and it is very hard to get back to sleep because I’ve got this high level of anxiety and I am actually terrified of the nightmare I just had, my heart will be racing, sometimes I will be sweating, sometimes I wake up with dried tears on my face. Sleeping is a hassle and I don’t like it. I like sleep, it is one place that calms me, like I am in some alternate universe. But more than half the time, things go wrong and nightmares present themselves.
Anyway, I will try to post throughout my day tomorrow. I am also going to try to wake up early and get some work done at school before class in the afternoon. But we will see what the night brings and how that affects me tomorrow.
Also, reading back through this… I am not an English major and not trying to be one. I understand I make no sense half the time and at times I can write terribly. But right now, I don’t mind. I would prefer to get out my thoughts than have it be grammatically correct.