Sweet Sweet Meditation

Early mornings suck. I had to drive my mother in to work today so that I could have the car. I obviously came straight back and went back to bed for a few more hours. What can I say, I really REALLY like my sleep. I woke up around 11:30 and rushed around to get ready for my therapy appointment in an hour. It basically took the whole time to tame my hair. I had braided it  yesterday and hoped to get some nice waviness in my hair. But instead it was a mess. So needless to say, it has been a horrible hair day today.

I’ve been going to therapy for about seven weeks now. I do one session a week.

I’ve been having a really tough time coping with my life. And I’m doing it all alone, which is impossible to do. I’m not one to share my problems with people. I don’t like being the center of attention and I certainly don’t like people’s sympathy for me. It makes me feel horrible for putting my problems on them and in turn making them feel bad. Because it is my fault. So I try not to. I hide from the world. I pretend to everyone that I am perfectly fine when I am so far from it.

I know I am not the only one, it’s one of the things I have learned through this process that I am just beginning. But for people that have gone through what I am, they know it is very hard to know you are not alone. We feel alone, worthless, like we are failures. We are our own worst critics. And we can’t escape these feelings a lot of the time. We are stuck in this shitty life that we have no control over. We tend to come to conclusions of hurting ourselves or ending our lives because it is sometimes the only solution. We need to feel pain that exceeds the pain we are in at that time. It’s a short term distraction, but in that moment of excruciating pain, we will do anything to escape it. Even if it means ending our life. It’s scary to think about. But it is even scarier to sit there and suffer.

I have an anxiety and panic disorder. This causes me to get panic attacks. Panic attacks come on very strong and you can do nothing to stop them from happening. They differ from person to person, but there is a very strong physical part (sweating, crying, hyperventilating, shaking/trembling, clenching of the jaw, screaming, chest pain, heart racing, nausea, shortness of breath, dizzy/faint, chills/hot flashes, choking, fear of choking, fear of dying, fear of losing control) and a very strong mental (thoughts) part. Thoughts can range from person to person as do the physical symptoms, but for me I usually resorted to negative and dark places. I saw no future for myself, I hated my life, I am to blame for all the wrongs in my life, I am worthless, no one cares for me. And naturally these thoughts turned into thoughts of suicide and ending my life to escape the pain I was in. Sometimes in these moments I get this extremely strong want to cut myself. The pain is so bad that I have to do it in order to escape it. It’s a horrible way of thinking, and it is not like I want to think this way or do these things. But in these moments of panic, I will do anything to get away from it. And it may be hard to understand, but the only people who truly understand these thoughts and feelings and needs are the people who have suffered the same thing.

I still get panic attacks to this day and they are still this severe. But in comparison to a few months ago when this started, I think slowly they are getting better. I used to get on average five panic attacks in a day. I was so overwhelmed with feelings I resorted to cutting myself. I resorted to that a few times. It made me feel better, even for a split second. I don’t anymore because people close to me found out what I was doing. I can’t stand hurting people, it makes me so much more upset. So I tried to hide it and not tell anyone, the same with how I was feeling and what I was going through. But a time came, where I could not longer hide it. It showed in the worst of ways. The anxiety made me very sick, I wound up in the hospital a few times, I was nauseous for weeks on end, I wasn’t eating at all, I was vomiting up blood, I was very weak, I wasn’t sleeping, my stools were bloody, I could almost never go to the bathroom, I could no longer take care of myself. And at that extreme low, I didn’t want to. I wanted to die, I wanted it all to be over. I couldn’t take any of it any longer. My mom could see what was happening to me and noticed I wasn’t attending my college classes anymore. This is about the time I started seeing a therapist.

Very slowly, all those horrible physical symptoms started to disappear one by one. Today, I am eating (not as much as I used to, but still eating at least), I don’t feel as weak as I did, I am not longer vomiting on a daily basis and there is no more blood. There are some days that it comes back hard and I can’t do anything. I lie in bed paralyzed from the world and have no control over my body. These are the days all those horrible side effects come back. But at least it is not every day. One of the things that hasn’t gotten better at all is my sleep. I feel like I have a chronic case of insomnia. For months now I haven’t had a good nights rest. It is extremely hard for me to fall asleep. It usually doesn’t happen until some time early in the morning. And once I do eventually pass out, I can’t stay asleep. I wake in panics from nightmares that I have every single night. Then because I am panicked, I can’t get back to sleep. Sometimes I just pass out again on my own, but it still brings on very unpleasant dreams.

Anyhow, as I write, more and more will come show about my condition and what sort of things I go through and have been through. I will end up explaining more of my story as the days pass.

One of today’s big topics in my therapy session (which is also homework for me to do) is a meditation technique. I close my eyes and sit up straight without leaning on something. This way it is easier to stay focused. You breathe in and out normally and shine a spotlight on all five senses and what you feel happening within the body. It is normal for the mind to side track during meditation, but the important thing is to realize this and then slowly draw it back in to the focus point, your breath. I have to do this for at least ten minutes a day. I practices the exercise with my therapist in the session. It made me feel very relaxed and most importantly it relaxed my mind and the spiraling thoughts. It gave my brain a break. It does honestly make me feel a lot better, but it is extremely hard to do on your own. So I think it will take time to master by myself.

After my therapy session, I went shopping and blew a lot of cash at H&M. I got a lot of really nice pieces though. So in the end I’m happy about it. I don’t have many expenses right now and I have a decent cash flow. I can spend some every now and again. Well that’s what I tell myself anyway.

I had to work tonight (my usual shift), and I don’t know if it is unfortunately or fortunately (I think in a way it is both) but I saw him. I see him every Monday night at least. He is in one of the programs I run. I have a lot of pent up emotion there. It’s a very sensitive topic for me. And I can only speak about it at certain times. Otherwise it causes me to get very ill. And I get a lot of panic attacks, one after the other. I am already not feeling well right now, just a lot of emotional burden and weight on me and I can’t speak or even write about it without it all coming out. I don’t have much control over my body’s reaction right now. I’ve struck a weak point tonight. So on that note, I will probably blog about it another time.

I’ve got a big week coming up, lots of presentations and things I have to get done. Definitely not looking forward to it.

My hope for this blog is to post as my day goes on. Not only will it be easier for me to remember when I write at the end of the day, but writing also helps relieve some of my anxiety in the day.

But I will see how that goes, I have a very strong lack of motivation these days. I couldn’t tell you what my body makes me do five minutes from now. So I just hope for the best (which never seems to come).

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