I got on the bus after work, got back, filled my backpack with essentials.
Now I am back on the bus, going to the diner. I havent eaten anything in two and a half days besides the diner yesterday.
Then I will be off to the shelter.
Not sure what to expect. Im kind of scared because of all the unknown, but I believe im doing the right thing. I might as well try this instead of leaving this life. If it doesn’t work then at least I know I tried.
On a sidenote, calming myself with ativan, alcohol, tylenol, marijuana, and a healthy dose of Pretty Lights.
Alright so shift is over in about 45 minutes.
I have looked at a hand full of different shelters in the area and found one suitable to my needs.
So I guess after work, I will bus home. I will pack my back pack with essentials. I will stop at the corner store for a load of bus tickets, since this will be my mode of transportation. I will dress warm because I know I will have to walk. Make sure my phone is charged, I will need it for GPS and to know which buses to take and when they arrive.
The shelter is downtown. So I think I will drop by that diner again, have a good meal. Then head on my way to the shelter. I am not sure what to expect. I have obviously never done this before. But I need some place to stay and figure out what to do from here on out. I need to crawl out of my introvertedness to put some life together for myself.
I jump back and forth between wanting a life and not wanting a life, it is very confusing for me.
On a brighter note, an old best friend just got in contact with me.
So after that nice little rage fit by my mother. She decided to call my father to come to the house and try to “talk” to me.
Let me fill you in a little about my father. He had to come by because he doesn’t live there anymore. He is an alcoholic and has been for years, he had a gambling problem and put our family into the depths of hell. An incredible amount of debt. He is a smoker, he has been my entire life. He had an affair. I do not like him what so ever.
So this man barged into my room and tried talking to me. I hate him, why the fuck would I want to talk to you. So I didn’t. He got mad (because he has anger issue problems) and resorted to throwing my shit around (my belongings in my room) and putting his hands on me forcefully to get me out of my house. He also tried holding me down to get my phone out of my hands. He lost that battle. I ran, he obviously came after me. I tried keeping the door closed with force, but he barged his way in there too. To scream and yell at me some more. Telling me I am a piece of shit, blah blah blah. I stopped listening a while ago.
I work Friday nights, so that is where I am now. It is quiet enough that I can do my own thing in peace. I am looking into places to live. I reached out via social media to see if anyone had a place for me. Naturally, no one cares and I got no responses. I am looking at homeless shelters and how they work. Also looking at mental health hospitals and what their programs are like. I know they don’t have emergency rooms. So I think I would have to go to the emergency ward of a regular hospital in order to even get a chance of getting into the mental health hospital.
The search continues.
So after getting home, all I did was fall asleep. Apparently everything I did last night is the solution to my sleeping problems. I still had nightmares but I never woke up in the middle of the night.
I got to bed at 6:30, dozed off pretty much after that.
Then woke up now at 3:30pm.
Apparently my mom doesn’t appreciate the fact that I am smoking weed. Obviously the car smelt like it, it was way too cold to go out in that weather to smoke. The smell goes away. No big deal.
She got thrown into such a rage, that not only did she verbally abuse me and physically abuse me but she kicked me out of this house.
So lets check up on this journey…
I lost my life, my family, and my home already.
Now im getting kicked out and losing, a home, a family, and this life.
When is a better time to end all of this? I should have done it last night. I had my chance, I blew it.
Hopefully someone will house me, I’ve only got a few hours.
Done Vampire Diaries.
Done being out, going home. Smoking the last of my blunt.
What happens there, I couldn’t say. Maybe cutting? That’s high on my list.
the wrap I am eating its quite good, and their fries are pretty good too.
done modern family, onto the vampire diaries.
Ordered food. A crispy chicken sandwich (honey garlic) with some fries.
Sounds pretty good. Just waiting for it.
Next… watching Modern Family.